Let me start by saying I really enjoyed this. The writer's voice is distinct. The subject feels authentic, yet not overly gritty in portrayal. I would buy this book on what I've read here. If I were an editor, I would ask for a full manuscript, and anxiously await reading the rest.
I would tighten up the prologue. I think keeping a few of the statements would be stronger. Even cutting it down to one or two sentences. This seems to me one of those times that less would be more. Though I really like the idea of the prologue and what you were doing with it.
I love your opening sentence in chapter one. I love that frozen apple juice was her "rock bottom". It was not cliche. I love that your protag is human and has this enormous failing. Not that she's failing, that's not what I love, but that you're exploring a real person with a real issue that thousands, if not millions of people around the world struggle with. As writers, if we don't do this, who will?
I wasn't crazy about his "butterfly" mouth. I get the cocoon thing, but the butterfly reference gave me a weird visual that seemed not quite right. Kinda like Silence of the Lambs.
Also, I'd encourage you to weave in the senses. She's at IHOP, yet we smell no pancakes, no syrup, no coffee, hear no clanking silverware or background sounds of kids screaming, etc.
I think you're very talented and this premise and writing shows incredible promise. Great job.
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Thursday, February 22, 2007
Gina's Take
Not this again . . . please tell me why this is helping? Seems so impersonal.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment, Claremore. Are you asking why critiques are helpful? They might seem as impersonal as an anonymous comment, but many people have privately emailed, Ane, Jess and I to tell us how helpful they are finding these.
ReplyDeleteYou want to avoid us on Thursdays for now if you aren't getting anything out of these. God bless.
Good writing, and good critiques, NJ! To have several pairs of eyes read your manuscript is so helpful to writers. I, too, would cut the prologue and focus on one or two of the stronger statements, as you all said. Blessings to you, dear author.
ReplyDeleteWhat fantastic writing! I loved the premise.
ReplyDeleteAne, Jess, and Gina, you all had some great catches and feedback. This is the kind of stuff new and struggling authors need to really make their work sizzle.
Great job, everyone!
Lisa
Thanks Ladies. I agree this was good writing and great premise.
ReplyDeleteThe opening paragraph about knocked me on the floor! "If I had known children break on the inside..." cool...
ReplyDeleteBut I agree, the technique is used too often. Cut one or two of them.
And maybe there's a good reason why the character always says "I would have chosen my words more carefully" or whatever it was, but my mind kept wanting the "If I's" to be answered by a different "I would have..." If that makes any sense.
I think the critiques are marvelous and very helpful. Sometimes (blush) I only visit on Thursdays.
Okay, I've got to respond to "anonymous" commenter. Just wanted to say that anyone who wants to be a professional writer had better get used to impersonal. Anyone really persuing publication will mostly likely end up with stacks of form rejection letters pinned to their walls. Computer-generated thanks-but-no-thanks letters not even signed by a human hand. What's more impersonal than that? I applaud the NJ ladies for challenging writers to learn and grow from criticism.
ReplyDeleteProverbs 12:1 says, "He who hates correction is stupid."
Having my work critiqued is painful sometimes, but I think that those who take the time to voluntarily read and critique my work are absolute gems and I'm thankful for how they help me grow. Count me in for Thursdays.
And I DID enjoy this writer's work. Very good!
I'm in awe of the writers who have submitted. I liked some more than others but by and large, they have been really good.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those aspiring writers who is learning boatloads from these critiques. A public thanks.
I liked the voice but felt I might get tired of it if the story moved to slowly so I would hope the action picked up.
I couldn't tell what genre the story was in. I thought about that because I too like the prologue but wanted less of it, at least up front. Thought it might be great, if this were a suspense, to have 1 or 2 at the beginning, then 1 at the beginning of turning points.
Thanks so much for your feedback. I appreciate your wisdom, advice, suggestions, and generous sharing of your blog space to these critiques.
ReplyDelete