Gina's Take

Thanks for submitting. You've got the elements of a good story but have some story mechanics to work on which we've all had to learn, one step at a time.

I suggest you concentrate first on learning to show vs tell. This story was mainly telling. "She could hear" is telling. "Footsteps slammed down the hallway" would be showing.

"Heard", "Saw", "Felt", "Tasted" etc. words are telling. Be on the look out for them in your writing. Also "was" tends to be a telling word and passive.

Another thing you could focus on would be being specific. Instead of "noise got closer", you'd say what the noises were and show them getting closer.

One last thing I'd have you look at would be showing and telling. You don't need to do both. ie. "I won't hurt you again" his words slurred as he begged her. You show us him begging, don't also tell us.

Don't be discouraged. We've all had to learn these basics. It's a predictable path of the novelist and you're on your way.