Ane's Critique

This has the beginnings of a good tale. It made me want to read further. However (isn't there always a however?), a few things stand out to me. You need to study some books on the mechanics of writing, like Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, by Browne and King.

You overuse dialogue attributions. He said or she said should be an endangered species – save them. They "saids" pull the reader out of the story. Use action beats instead, unless there is a room full of people and you need one for clarity. But even then, a good action beat like: Derrick scratched his nose" works better than: he said as he scratched his nose. Remember – less is more.

Another thing that stood out is the overuse of names. When you only have two people, you can use he and she, but be careful you don't start every sentence with a pronoun.

You do a good job of writing then take away its power by over-explaining. Trust your reader to get it. Less is more.

There's a lot of red, but be encouraged. You're better than I was when I first started!

Houston, Texas – Three Years Earlier

Deborah crouched down in the bedroom closet behind the rows of hanging clothes. She [trembled, listening to] (could hear) doors slamming and furniture being [knocked](bumped) **knocked is more violent than bumped** around. She held her breath (as the noises got closer to the bedroom). Suddenly, the knob on the bedroom door (started to) rattle[d].

“Let me in, baby. I promise I won’t hurt you again.” His words slurred (as he begged for forgiveness).**gws**

(Deborah)[She] remained quiet, hoping he would give up (his quest) and go away. **RUE. Trust your reader to get it without spelling everything our**
“Come on, honey. I said I was sorry. Let me in.” (t)[T]he door knob [clanked](rattled) **or another sound, since you just used rattle** with each word.

Deborah shifted her weight, trying to get comfortable among the shoes and other items on the floor of the closet. She knew from experience that she may have to stay (in the closet) [there] all night. These little episodes were becoming all too familiar. If she weren’t so embarrassed, she would find a way to escape.

“Open the door, Deborah!” His voice grew louder. “You can’t lock me out of my own bedroom!”

(Deborah)[She] jumped when he (began to) bang[ed] on the door[, hoping](. She hoped) the lock and door frame were strong enough to prevent him from getting to her.

“You’re going to be sorry when I get in there.” (He yelled.) **I don’t think you need to say he yelled. The scene delivers that emotion just by its essence. You've shown the reader he's been drinking by his slurred words and I feel his anger. You've done a good ob at that, so don't go overboard. Trust yourself and your reader.**

(Deborah)[She] was already sorry—sorry she had not heeded the warnings of her friends and family. **Here is one of those places where you can use repetition to make a paragraph sing. If you said something like: [She was already sorry. Sorry she hadn’t heeded the warnings of her friends. Sorry she hadn't listened to her family.]** They (had not liked)[saw through him—saw how he manipulated her] (the way he had been controlling and possessive when they first starting dating) and begged her not to marry him. But he had convinced her (that he acted this way because) he loved her (so much). ‘I love you to death’ were his exact words. She hoped those words would not come true. **The changes I suggested are merely another way to do this. Any man who hurts a woman is controlling and possessive – it goes with the territory. I don't think you need to spell it out. It's obvious he's this way. Then you can also show this in later chapters instead of telling it here.**

Livingston, Virginia – Present Day

Deborah (was) jolted awake (in a panic). **Show her panic. How does panic feel? Does she break out in a sweat? Does her stomach churn? A reader wants to feel what she feels without being told she feels that way** She held the covers under her chin[, listening to] (as she listened in) the darkness.

“Deborah, are you in there?” Derrick shouted as he knocked on the door.

Recognizing her brother’s voice, she went to open the door.

“What’s wrong? Why are you yelling like that?” (she asked when s)[S]he opened the door. **It's obvious she asked the question. Use the action beat instead of a dialogue attribution.**

“I’ve been (outside)**gws** knocking for ten minutes. I was about to call the police. Didn’t you hear me?”

“I’m sorry (Derrick). I took a sleeping pill. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

(Derrick)[He] looked at [her](his younger sister’s face). (He had to admit that she looked haggard and drained.) **Major POV break. You've jumped inside Derrick's head to tell us how he feels.**

“Is something bothering you? Is going to school and working too much for you?” (Derrick asked.)

(Deborah)[She] didn’t want to tell (her brother)[him]**we already know it's her brother, you told us already. Trust your reader** about the nightmares that had been haunting her for the past two months. (She was getting very little sleep.)**gws** They had become so real that she['d] (had) become paranoid and jumpy with every loud noise. It was creating havoc on her school work and job. **Go through this chapter and count the number of times you use the word "had"**

“(I’m sure) I’ll be fine once we go on vacation. I just need a break from everything. I’ll be as good as new when we get back from Tennessee.”

Deborah, Derrick, and Ann **who are Ann and Tim and Leah? You're given us names without telling us who they are. And who are the Sampson's? If Deborah is one or her brother, their last names should be given when they are first introduced. This created confusion** were joining Tim, Leah and rest of the Sampson family for the Sampson’s family reunion. Since Tim and Leah’s wedding, Deborah had become a part of the Sampson family also. She was invited to family functions and on vacations and even baby-sat for Leah and Tim once a month, so they could have some time together without Tim II. **I think you can convey this information through dialogue much better. It feels like an information dump**

“Speaking of Tennessee, we’re leaving tomorrow morning at 6:00 A.M. Mrs. Sampson likes to get an early start and travel during the day, so she can see all of the sights.” (Derrick explained.)

“What sights?”

“Who knows…but what Mrs. Sampson wants, she usually gets.” Derrick (said with a) laugh[ed] as he (left)[walked] out (of Deborah’s)[the] door. **RUE-we know whose door it is – trust your reader to remember those things**

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Tim **Tim WHO? When you fist introduce a POV character for the first time, use his first and last name** turned off the paved road onto a narrow gravel road.

“Just when I thought we couldn’t any further into the country. Give me the city any day.” (Tim said half joking, half serious.).

[Bettie Sampson chuckled at her son-in-law.] “Oh, Timothy, it’s not that bad[.](,”) (Bettie Sampson said to her son-in-law.) (“)It’s a wonderful place to visit and relax.”

“You have no choice, but relax when there’s nothing around for miles.” (Tim responded with a laugh.) **You identified it was Tim who she was speaking to, so you don't need a dialogue tag or an action beat here**

(Tim, Leah, Tim II, and Leah’s parents) **Too much information, too many names** led the 850 mile caravan to Tennessee for the Hardin-Sampson family reunion. Leah was sure everyone was getting tired, including the Donald family, who was trailing them. **With every sentence and paragraph you write, ask yourself, "Does this advance the story? Is it really needed?" I don’t think this paragraph is needed. Is the order in which they travel really important? If so, a simple car one lead the caravan. Period**

The trip (had taken)[took] longer than normal, because they had to make frequent stops to pacify Tim II. Leah looked over at the (sleeping) toddler [sleeping peacefully]. (He looked so peaceful.) Who would think (that) he['d] (would) have the energy of three children when he was awake? (She was glad that Tim was in good physical condition, because she did not have enough stamina to keep up with Tim II twenty-four hours a day.)

“Tim, the house is just around this curve on the right.” Clarence Sampson navigated from the front passenger seat. **GOOD! You used an action beat instead of a dialogue tag**

Tim turned off the gravel road and maneuvered down the driveway through the huge oak trees toward the plantation[-]style house that sat off the road. **I'd suggest breaking that last sentence into two. You'd get more impact out of it.** Even in the darkness with only the moonlight and the house lights, Tim could see the grandeur of the house. **This last sentence gives nothing. I don't SEE the grandeur of the house. All I see is that it's dark, no it's moonlit and the lights are on. SHOW me this grand house. Maybe have them come around the bend and stop. Bathed in moonlight, the large mansion appeared to float in the ground fog – or something like that. Let your reader SEE it with them.** **New paragraph here**Mr. Sampson’s 83-year-old father shared the house with his 85-year-old sister, Bessie. The house had been in Bessie Sampson Hyatt’s late husband’s family for decades. Her brother Lawrence and his wife moved in after her husband’s death. Now it was just the two of them. Her sister-in-law, Clarence Sampson’s mother, had passed away ten years earlier. **All this information has just stopped the flow of your story. I suggest you use dialogue for this. Is it Deborah's first time here? If now, I'd suggest you change it to be hers, then she could ask about it. But otherwise, this information is author intrusion and broke the spell of the story.**

“Wow, this house is gorgeous.” Tim remarked when he stopped in front of the two-story house. “I can’t wait to see the inside.” **There you go – Tim hasn’t been there. So have him ask about it and someone give the info in dialogue. Then it won't be intrusive.**

“It’s been in the Hyatt family for [generations](years), but Aunt Bessie has lived here for forty years. **Oh my word. Here you did use dialogue to tell us what you told us above. Put it all in dialogue. The info will then be interesting.** I loved to come down here and play with my cousins. We brought Leah and Alex down here every summer. There’s nothing like the country to take your mind off the hustle and bustle of the big city.” (Clarence explained.) **To have Clarence deliver this speech, I'd suggest you put an action beat after the first sentence: ....forty years." Clarence pointed to the side yard. "I loved .....