Novel Journey Critiques

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Our critique code is as follows:
( ) = suggest deleting
[ ] = sugges adding
** = comments
gws=goes without saying
rue=resist the urge to explain
im= interior monologue

Original Chapter

Houston, Texas – Three Years Earlier

Deborah crouched down in the bedroom closet behind the rows of hanging clothes. She could hear doors slamming and furniture being bumped around. She held her breath as the noises got closer to the bedroom. Suddenly, the knob on the bedroom door started to rattle.

“Let me in, baby. I promise I won’t hurt you again.” His words slurred as he begged for forgiveness.

Deborah remained quiet, hoping he would give up his quest and go away.
“Come on, honey. I said I was sorry. Let me in.” the door knob rattled with each word.

Deborah shifted her weight, trying to get comfortable among the shoes and other items on the floor of the closet. She knew from experience that she may have to stay in the closet all night. These little episodes were becoming all too familiar. If she weren’t so embarrassed, she would find a way to escape.

“Open the door, Deborah!” His voice grew louder. “You can’t lock me out of my own bedroom!”

Deborah jumped when he began to bang on the door. She hoped the lock and door frame were strong enough to prevent him from getting to her.

“You’re going to be sorry when I get in there.” He yelled.

Deborah was already sorry—sorry she had not heeded the warnings of her friends and family. They had not liked the way he had been controlling and possessive when they first starting dating and begged her not to marry him. But he had convinced her that he acted this way because he loved her so much. ‘I love you to death’ were his exact words. She hoped those words would not come true.

Livingston, Virginia – Present Day

Deborah was jolted awake in a panic. She held the covers under her chin as she listened in the darkness.

“Deborah, are you in there?” Derrick shouted as he knocked on the door.
Recognizing her brother’s voice, she went to open the door.

“What’s wrong? Why are you yelling like that?” she asked when she opened the door.

“I’ve been outside knocking for ten minutes. I was about to call the police. Didn’t you hear me?”

“I’m sorry Derrick. I took a sleeping pill. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.”
Derrick looked at his younger sister’s face. He had to admit that she looked haggard and drained.

“Is something bothering you? Is going to school and working too much for you?” Derrick asked.

Deborah didn’t want to tell her brother about the nightmares that had been haunting her for the past two months. She was getting very little sleep. They had become so real that she had become paranoid and jumpy with every loud noise. It was creating havoc on her school work and job.

“I’m sure I’ll be fine once we go on vacation. I just need a break from everything. I’ll be as good as new when we get back from Tennessee.”

Deborah, Derrick, and Ann were joining Tim, Leah and rest of the Sampson family for the Sampson’s family reunion. Since Tim and Leah’s wedding, Deborah had become a part of the Sampson family also. She was invited to family functions and on vacations and even baby-sat for Leah and Tim once a month, so they could have some time together without Tim II.

“Speaking of Tennessee, we’re leaving tomorrow morning at 6:00 A.M. Mrs. Sampson likes to get an early start and travel during the day, so she can see all of the sights.” Derrick explained.

“What sights?”

“Who knows…but what Mrs. Sampson wants, she usually gets.” Derrick said with a laugh as he left out of Deborah’s door.

###

Tim turned off the paved road onto a narrow gravel road.

“Just when I thought we couldn’t any further into the country. Give me the city any day.” Tim said half joking, half serious.

“Oh, Timothy, it’s not that bad,” Bettie Sampson said to her son-in-law. “It’s a wonderful place to visit and relax.”

“You have no choice, but relax when there’s nothing around for miles.” Tim responded with a laugh.

Tim, Leah, Tim II, and Leah’s parents led the 850 mile caravan to Tennessee for the Hardin-Sampson family reunion. Leah was sure everyone was getting tired, including the Donald family, who was trailing them.

The trip had taken longer than normal, because they had to make frequent stops to pacify Tim II. Leah looked over at the sleeping toddler. He looked so peaceful. Who would think that he would have the energy of three children when he was awake? She was glad that Tim was in good physical condition, because she did not have enough stamina to keep up with Tim II twenty-four hours a day.

“Tim, the house is just around this curve on the right.” Clarence Sampson navigated from the front passenger seat.

Tim turned off the gravel road and maneuvered down the driveway through the huge oak trees toward the plantation style house that sat off the road. Even in the darkness with only the moonlight and the house lights, Tim could see the grandeur of the house. Mr. Sampson’s 83-year-old father shared the house with his 85-year-old sister, Bessie. The house had been in Bessie Sampson Hyatt’s late husband’s family for decades. Her brother Lawrence and his wife moved in after her husband’s death. Now it was just the two of them. Her sister-in-law, Clarence Sampson’s mother, had passed away ten years earlier.

“Wow, this house is gorgeous.” Tim remarked when he stopped in front of the two-story house. “I can’t wait to see the inside.”

“It’s been in the Hyatt family for years, but Aunt Bessie has lived here for forty years. I loved to come down here and play with my cousins. We brought Leah and Alex down here every summer. There’s nothing like the country to take your mind off the hustle and bustle of the big city.” Clarence explained.