Here's my thoughts:
I found it unusual that this protagonist is twenty-five-years-old—assuming T.J is the person meant in the first line "Five-year-olds remember things, even after they've turned twenty-five.” To me, she seemed younger, more like twelve. Her characterization when opening the watch is what gave me that impression.
I would suggest toning down the 'happy' relationship she had with her grandfather, and upping the mystery of what happened in that house 20 years ago with her dad. It's been the first time she's set foot inside in a while. That would hook me.
Again, since your protagonist is twenty-five, I think the letter about the watch being "special and possessing great power" is out of place. If she were a pre-teen, maybe.
I'm not sure where you're going with this, but knowing that this is a short story, as opposed to a novel, I have a feeling this is going to have a Twilight Zone quality. It might be a good idea to watch a few episodes of the T.Z. and see how they lure their viewers along. Puzzling over why all he left her was a watch, when she was obviously a favorite might be one a method. The protagonist is in her mid-twenties. She's not likely to believe the watch will be lucky for her, so why not present it to your readers like that. Reveal the watch bit-by-bit, and make it a mystery to the reader. (That said, I could be utterly wrong, as I have no idea where this story is going.)
Thanks so much for submitting this! I enjoyed reading it.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Home »
» Jessica's Take
Jessica's Take
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Related Posts:
Marketing Begins Before Your Book Releases 0 false 18 pt 18 pt 0 0 false false false /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; … Read More
Likened to C.S. Lewis ~ author Jenny L. Cote Interviewed Award winning author Jenny L. Cote developed an early passion for God, history and young people, and beautifully blends these passions together in her two fantasy fiction series, The Amazing Tales of Max and Liz® and Epic … Read More
Does the Christian Fiction Industry Know How to Market to Men?According to the Spring 2012 ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers) Journal, only 13% of its members are men. (You can find a PDF of that edition HERE.) I tweeted that stat a while back and Richard Mabry, then ACFW Vice… Read More
Lisa Bergren ~ Creative and Collaborative Marketing Tips Lisa T. Bergren is the author of over forty books, and the latest is the Grand Tour Series, beginning with Glamorous Illusions and continuing on with the newly released Grave Consequences and the upcoming Glitter… Read More
What I'd Change About My Writing Journey You hear it all the time when people are trying to make sense of their trials in life. “The struggles only made me stronger. I wouldn’t change a thing…” Maybe you’ve even said it to try and ease the agnoy of your writin… Read More