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Five Inspirational Truths for Authors

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Ane's Take

In my opinion, this has too much back story for the beginning of a novel and especially the opening paragraph. However, I think with some work, this could become very engaging.

Watch dialogue tags like "announced". Better to just use "said". I liked your use of the words "time warp" in regards to the room, but I'd like to see a bit more description on the box instead of a mere "unpretentious". That doesn't show me what it looked like. I could see the room, but you stopped short at the box.

Format wise, I'd suggest putting the letter from her grandpa in Courier or an easier font to read. Let a publisher decide later about what font to use. You want it to be easy on the editor's eyes.

One thing we see a lot of in newer writers, is the urge to show every little movement. I think the monologue about finding something to hang the watch on could go.

I suggest you read it over carefully, looking for places to take some clichéd phrases and make them new. For instance where she: "clutches the watch to her chest, her eyes brimming with tears." What else could she do with the watch? Sit on your bed and play act the scene. Try different things. I'll bet you can come up with a very original one.

Some surgery is called for in this, but underneath the fat lies, I believe, the skeleton of a good story. I'd be interested to see how this gift changes her life.

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5 comments:

  1. Excellent critiques, NJ! This writer is blessed to have authors of your expertise to critique her. I agree with everything you said. I really liked her opening line. It hooked me. Great job, everyone!

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  2. I agree. Great advice as usual. I like what Ane said about the surgery, fat and skeleton!

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  3. As we approach the end of this series--I imagine you're read to do other things--please consider making it an annual feature of NJ. A year from now, I can only wonder at how I'll consider your feedback in light of my own growth. Kind of like reading Scripture and always gaining new insight.

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  4. Wow, Patricia, what a nice thing to say. We'll consider it, but then a year from now, only our Father knows where we'll all be. ;)

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  5. Thanks so much for the kind words ladies. We appreciate them more than you know.

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