I think you did a good job of staying with the right vocabulary for a young age group. I would make sure to make each character three-dimensional, with faults, virtues and their own personality traits and way of speaking. We only have a portion of your story, so you may very well accomplish that. I think if I were a child, I would be curious enough about the time piece to read on. Here are a few suggestions which of course you are free to take or leave at your discretion. Good job. Thanks for submitting.
( ) Delete
[ ] add
** comments
Moo= my own opinion
GWS= goes without saying
Five-year-olds remember things, even after they’ve turned twenty-five. Every time T.J. entered her( mom’s) [mother’s] *I just think it reads better* house, she locked bitter memories deep into her mind’s basement. Her hands shook as she hung her coat in the closet. The aroma of candles, meant to bring relaxation, only served to heighten her mounting headache and remind her of (Dad) [father] *again, just reads better in moo* and all that had happened years ago.
She[‘d]( had) moved out after graduation, hoping to leave the recollections behind her like (so many) dirty footprints in the snow. Exhaling (deeply), T.J. commanded inner calm and called out to her (mom) [mother].
“I’m here, Mom. I’ll be in my room.”
“Okay, Honey. I’m in the kitchen,”( her mom announced.) *try to keep it to she said, rather than “announced” or others like it. But here, we don’t need a tag at all.
Minutes ago, her mom had called to tell her that Grandpa Jamison had left something for her. *Good thing the house was on her way home from work.**I had to stop to reread that. It read like the house was on its way home from work. Ha.* With quick steps, she headed down the hall and peered into her old room. It remained much the same,( as if stuck in a time warp) *cliché*.
Frilly floral curtains similar to the ones in the kitchen hung at the window. Stuffed animals and books (were ) *be weary of using passive verbs like “was” and derivatives of such. Better to reword to make it active. {Stuffed animals and books lay in mounds] on the worn desk in the corner.
An unpretentious cardboard box waited on her bed.
(What have you given me, Grandpa Jamison) *that reads hokey. I wouldn’t have this thought be direct im. {As she neared it, her mind conjured up the possibilities of what might be inside—a dress? No, that wasn’t his style. A saddle? No, the box wasn’t the right shape. (or whatever. I’d give 3 possibilities then move on.)
( Taking in a hesitant breath) *that type of thing usually comes across as melodrama. Maybe in a more tense situation, but not for opening a package, in moo**, she tore off the packaging tape and opened the flaps to reveal a teak jewelry box inlaid with what looked like ivory. {Physical reaction here.} Maybe she squealed with delight or held her breath as she opened it?}
Jewelry, maybe? Cool. T.J. smiled and opened the latch. A business envelope lay inside. When she pulled (out the envelope) [it out] *try not to use the same word (in this case “envelope” close together***
she found a gold pocket watch not much bigger than a silver dollar. She picked it up and admired its workmanship. As she rubbed her finger across the [smooth] *it just gives us a tactile sense, which are always a good idea to sprinkle in***face, the watch warmed her from the outside in, (breaking her jittery state) *this is telling. Just show us her relaxing** Almost forgetting her other hand held the envelope, she tore it open with care and read: *that makes no sense to me. How could she forget it and open it at the same time?**
Dear Tabitha,
I hereby leave you a million (bucks) [dollars] *reads more like the same person who would say “save one thing”**.
[portion cut.] *see original post above to read the letter*
Love,
Grandpa Jamison
*just a thought here, this man is quoting scripture and then says something that makes it seem he thinks he’s going to turn into a guardian angel, which isn’t biblical. A lot of people think when we die, we become angels and can watch over our loved ones, but we know angels are different than human spirits. It stood out to me, and probably will to others.
(portion cut)
“Thanks, Grandpa,” T.J. whispered( to herself) *who else would she whisper to?* as she gazed at her new gift. (Even if it is a guy kind of thing, it might be cool to carry around.) *I think im should be sparing and there should be a need for it. This doesn’t seem to need to be im to me. I’d reword to: [Even if it was a guy thing, she figured it might be cool to carry it around.] or something along those lines**
(She wondered what kind of power it possessed) {She twirled it around in her hands, examining from every angle. What kind of power did it possess?] (that’s known as the q-trick and gets rid of the telling word, “wondered”, posing the question more directly from her pov***
Surely if she rubbed the gold case, it wouldn’t produce a genie, or cause her to stumble across a ton of money, or see the future. Or change her past.
(“So, let’s see if I can find a chain that will make this look fashionable.”) *unless she’s crazy, or talking to herself is a well-known quirk of hers, I strongly suggest not having your characters make a habit of talking out loud to themselves. It comes across as hokey***
(portion cut) It must be my memories of Grandpa( causing the warmth.)
T.J. returned to the kitchen, finding her mom at the table drinking coffee. She wrinkled her nose at the brown countertops and dingy painted cabinets, which served as a reminder of her childhood. Oh, mom, how can you stand to be in this same house day after day with the memories of…? T.J. shook the thoughts from her mind.
“Grandpa gave me an old pocket watch. Have you ever seen it?” She held out the watch for her (mom) to see.
“No, I haven’t, but it’s beautiful, honey.” She **you begin many sentences with a pronoun. Be aware of that and change sentence structure to prevent readers from becoming bored.**
paused and her face tightened. “I miss your grandpa so much. If only it hadn’t been him that died…” Her tired voice dropped the end of the sentence. (T.J. recognized her mom’s broken heart) GWS, trust us to get it**. She grieved both for a deceased father and for a (dead )marriage that [too]had (dissolved) [died] twenty years earlier.
