Novel Journey Critiques ~ Week 10 of 15

We're nearing the end of the submitted pieces. This series will end as soon as those have been critiqued.

Remember, our suggestions are just that—suggestions. The wise author will use discernment and pick up what works for him/her and ignore what doesn't. We've each been edited/critiqued by professional editors, best-selling authors, etc. and no one has been tougher on us than us. Our hope is you and this author, who bravely subbed his/her work, will benefit.

Our critique code is as follows:
( ) = suggest deleting
[ ] = sugges adding
** = comments
gws=goes without saying
rue=resist the urge to explain
im= interior monologue

Original Chapter

Five-year-olds remember things, even after they’ve turned twenty-five. Every time T.J. entered her mom’s house, she locked bitter memories deep into her mind’s basement. Her hands shook as she hung her coat in the closet. The aroma of candles, meant to bring relaxation, only served to heighten her mounting headache and remind her of Dad and all that had happened years ago. She had moved out after graduation, hoping to leave the recollections behind her like so many dirty footprints in the snow. Exhaling deeply, T.J. commanded inner calm and called out to her mom.

“I’m here, Mom. I’ll be in my room.”

“Okay, Honey. I’m in the kitchen,” her mom announced.

Minutes ago, her mom had called to tell her that Grandpa Jamison had left something for her. Good thing the house was on her way home from work. With quick steps, she headed down the hall and peered into her old room. It remained much the same, as if stuck in a time warp. Frilly floral curtains similar to the ones in the kitchen hung at the window. Stuffed animals and books were stacked on the worn desk in the corner. An unpretentious cardboard box waited on her bed.

What have you given me, Grandpa Jamison? Taking in a hesitant breath, she tore off the packaging tape and opened the flaps to reveal a teak jewelry box inlaid with what looked like ivory. Jewelry, maybe? Cool. T.J. smiled and opened the latch. A business envelope lay inside. When she pulled out the envelope, she found a gold pocket watch not much bigger than a silver dollar. She picked it up and admired its workmanship. As she rubbed her finger across the face, the watch warmed her from the outside in, breaking her jittery state. Almost forgetting her other hand held the envelope, she tore it open with care and read:

Dear Tabitha,

I hereby leave you a million bucks. Just kidding, my dear Granddaughter. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be making jokes when you are grieving for me. My time has finally come, and now I must assign all of my meager belongings to those who survive me – you and your mother. I’ve left Linnea everything I own, save one thing: a Waltham Vanguard 14-karat gold miniature pocket watch made in 1910. I know that probably doesn’t mean much to you, but my grandfather owned it when he worked the railroad, and it has been in our family ever since. The watch is special and possesses great power. You must keep it with you at all times and cherish it as an irreplaceable treasure.

My father entrusted the watch to me before I went off to World War II. It was the single most valuable possession he ever had, and he gave it to me with the wish that I would come back home safely. Though I sustained minor injuries, I returned unharmed. Not only that, but since then I’ve been a changed man. I know this timepiece will prove miraculous in your life. I’m counting on it.

Remember, there is a time for everything, and a season for everything under heaven: a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate. You will have to decide the right time for these things in your life.

I want you to know how special you are. In spite of what has happened to you, you will rise above it all. Your future is tied to the watch now. I’ll look out for you always.

Love,
Grandpa Jamison

She grasped the watch to her chest, eyes brimming with tears. How long will it take to get over Grandpa’s death? He had been a best friend, one of few confidants in her life, and now he was gone. No more hiking in the woods or rocking on the porch while succumbing to defeat at chess. He had seemed content to talk about her interests, asking about her prospects for a boyfriend or about her job. The only thing she never allowed him to talk about was her dad. Grandpa had never pushed it, had always played the peacemaker.

“Thanks, Grandpa,” T.J. whispered to herself as she gazed at her new gift. Even if it is a guy kind of thing, it might be cool to carry around. She wondered what kind of power it possessed. Surely if she rubbed the gold case, it wouldn’t produce a genie, or cause her to stumble across a ton of money, or see the future. Or change her past.

“So, let’s see if I can find a chain that will make this look fashionable.” She rummaged around a nearby dresser drawer and pulled out a thin, braided black rope. She placed the watch on it, then tied it around her neck. Setting the watch wasn’t necessary because the time was accurate. Odd how it not only felt warm to the touch but also made her feel warm inside. Weird. She shrugged off the sensation. It must be my memories of Grandpa causing the warmth.

T.J. returned to the kitchen, finding her mom at the table drinking coffee. She wrinkled her nose at the brown countertops and dingy painted cabinets, which served as a reminder of her childhood. Oh, mom, how can you stand to be in this same house day after day with the memories of…? T.J. shook the thoughts from her mind.

“Grandpa gave me an old pocket watch. Have you ever seen it?” She held out the watch for her mom to see.

“No, I haven’t, but it’s beautiful, honey.” She paused and her face tightened. “I miss your grandpa so much. If only it hadn’t been him that died…” Her tired voice dropped the end of the sentence. T.J. recognized her mom’s broken heart. She grieved both for a deceased father and for a dead marriage that had dissolved twenty years earlier.