Gina's Take

I agree with my partners that you have a nice voice--an unpretentious style. I also agree this was a bit long winded. The paragraphs could be broken up and I found myself wanting to skim to get to something more exciting. I'd follow Ane's advice. Make sure everything you write is for a reason and move the story along in the beginning as quickly as you can. If I'd picked this up in a bookstore, I'd have read the first paragraph interested, and by the third, would have set it back down. I squinted a lot because of the run on feeling of it all.

You've got tons of talent and a wonderful voice. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. I see a lot of promise here.