Gina's Take

Yikes. This was certainly riveting. Your writing is strong though I will make a few suggestions that might tighten it just a bit. You start off with a bang and that kept me glued to the first few pages. If I had the first three chapters in front of me, I'd immediately flip to chapters two and three to be sure this evil guy wasn't the main character of the book, but indeed the antagonist.

If chapter two has a protag I can identify with and believe in, I'd read on. If it's this guy again, this would get a rejection.

You may turn off a large number of editors/readers with shooting a baby in the face. This is a gamble you need to consider carefully. Good that you had it off stage though.

All in all, good writing. Here are a couple of suggestions you can use or toss as you see fit:

* Try to use the one perfect word instead of a verb and adjective. You say he "wildly kicked", better to be: slammed his steel toe boot into the door than to "wildly kick" it. It just reads stronger in moo. You say he "pounded his fist hard." Pounded means hard. You can lose the "hard".

* Faded Levi's. It's cliche and I use it myself but it stuck out to me that I see that an awfully lot.

*I'm a sucker for an awesome opening line or paragraph. I wonder (and this is just an idea) if you could somehow move this paragraph to be the opener. It's quite a show stopper:

The small clapboard house stood in the desert on the outskirts of Gemstone, Arizona. The nearest neighbor was probably at least a half mile away. Too far, with the desert wind howling, to hear gunfire.

*Not much backstory, but still too much in moo. I'd cut the stuff about him being dishonerly discharged. He's scary enough. With it, it feels more contrived and over the top.

* Better to describe an expression than to name the emotion in moo. You say...the expression on his face was akin to surprise ... better to say something like "His jaw hit the ground or whatever. The point is to show not tell. Sometimes telling is good but not so much in this kind of action scene.

*You have the pov character describe something he felt as "perverse". Would he think of himself this way? Most wouldn't.

* The father-in-law was awfully brave around such a frightening guy. I think it'd be more believable if he showed a little fear even before the guy whips out the pistol.

* I know Ted Dekker is all for it, but I'm less keen on pure wicked villans. I like to see a moment of compassion or hesitation while they're doing something they know is wrong. I guess this guy is a sociopath though and I suppose they might not have this emotion much, but I've known someone with that and there is still a glimmer there of a soul. One second where he might lower the gun, close his eyes and apologize to his son. He does stop to consider his child's circumstances and that's good but maybe add just a touch of emotion, anguish over what in his mind he feels must be done.

Really great job on this. Creepy!