Gina's Critique

The fact this author subbed shows her(?) desire to grow and learn. That will serve her well in acheiving her goals. That and perserverence. I think being teachable is one of the most important aspects of those who succeed. I know it's not easy to see so many comments, but I was there once too. I still get ripped apart sometimes. When I first started subbing to a critique group, they would only read a few paragraphs of my chapter, because there were so many offenses it was difficult for them to get through it all, and tell me to apply what they taught me to the rest of my chapter. It was hard to be reminded in red, over and over, how much I had to learn, but in the end, invaluable. I may sound harsh, but remember, my job here is to critique. It's a refining experience. I'm much more of a smart-alec with Ane and Jess, just ask them. I spared you my signature comments of: "so?" Yawn and snore, among others. It's my personality and "said" with a wink.

Remember rules can be broken. So if we say don't use "ly" adjectives, that's not hard and fast. Sometimes, one might be appropriate, etc. That goes for every "rule". The only real rule of course, is there are none. But the guidelines we give you generally will make for stronger writing. Some is subjective. Jess ALWAYS wants more description from me, Ane, usually less. I fall in between the two of them in that area. We all have our preferences which are subjective. Don't be afraid to just try out all of our suggestions and reread your chapter. If it doesn't work, don't hesitate to ditch those that, in your opinion, weakened your writing or changed your voice. Inspite of all the suggestions, you're on your way, so don't be discouraged.

I use bold in places not for any reason other than to break up the monotony of the blue comments. I would give this author the advice I gave our last author: Get in a good critique group, read Self-Editing for the Fiction Writer and Techniques of the Selling Writer. What stood out most in need of improving:

1. telling instead of showing.
2. senses. layer them in
3. cut out the boring parts
4. avoid backstory, especially in chunks

Thanks for being brave and subbing!

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“Sophie! Move over. You’re pushing me off the bed.”

The big, black **good to use one description at a time instead of big and black pick one perfect one**[bear-like]Newfie raised her [black] head and stared at Danni.

(Apparently not impressed with her master’s request) , Sophie stretched (lazily,) *try to avoid 'ly' adjectives whenever possible. They tend to add nothing. We'll assume a stretch is lazily unless the dog is warming up before her Taebo class** made herself longer, and settled in again.

Dog or no dog, (Danni couldn’t sleep.)**telling. better to show**[Danni laid her cheek against the still warm pillow. Upon the screen of her closed eyelids, she conjured the image of sheep, one after another leeping over a picket fence. One. Two. Three. Four, five,six ..." faster they jumped and faster, until nothing but a white blur. ...] *maybe not great writing because I'm just throwing something down, but you get the idea. ***

She reached toward the nightstand **just toward the nightstand, or to the nightstand? and fumbled for the television remote. *break it down. What did her fingers touch down on? Engage our senses. [Sliding her fingertips over the smooth surface of glass ...]

Hitting the “on” button, **break it down into small action, reaction units**have her aim it at the small, black and white tv resting on her dresser. Is it so dark that she can't see a thing before it comes on? No, because she saw the dog staring at her. Make me feel what she feels, see what she sees***she flipped through the channels until she found a cheesy, old movie.**this is reading like a synopsis. Show don't tell. {The television came to life, flooding her small bedroom with flickering blue light. John Mitchell, the local weatherman pointed at a map behind him, his hands circling the city he expected the storm to hit next ... flip...a rerun of Julia Child hunched over a sink...flip...an old black and white starring Cary Grant ...perfect. That ought to put her to sleep. ] (This should put me to sleep).

She **you begin a lot of sentences with "she". Try to change sentence structure to avoid any one structure too much. It reads monotonous other wise. ***

gave her pillow a good punch.A few seconds later, a tall, blonde woman glided across the television screen(. She wore) [,wearing] a slinky black dress and dangling pearl earrings. The woman raised a hand to her bright red lips and flung it toward the camera. **this reads like she flung her lips toward the camera. It's the sentence structure.


In a husky voice she purred, **husky and purred are too very different sound images. Maybe in a throaty voice? Husky will conjure up a man's baritone ***

“Make him commit.” Immediately the screen dissolved to a shapely perfume bottle. Red lip prints decorated the label, along with the words “Commit Perfume.” Sold at fine department stores flashed at the bottom of the screen.Perfect! **exclamation points generally make the reader hear it as screaming. I'm guessing she's not screaming in the middle of the night. I usually try to avoid having my characters talk to themselves. I talk to myself all the time but in fiction, unless the character is nuts or particularly quirky, it reads hokey. I suggest: [Perfect. Just what she needed to see.] Just want I need to see,” Danni moaned out loud. **avoid using "out loud." It GWS (goes without saying)***


(Apparently, the dog wasn’t happy with the disruption. ) **avoid this type of explanatory commentary. Just show us what the dog or whomever does and let us draw our own conclusions. It's like having someone next to you in the movie theatre whipsering in your ear ... {she said that because she loves him and isn't impressed with his choice of proposal...}

She pulled herself up and flopped down on the far side of the queen-sized bed.“What’s wrong, Sophie, can’t take it either?”The dog sighed, almost on cue.

**I'm going to be honest here, I don't care about this dog or anything that's happened so far. I would stop reading or at least skim past this chapter to get to something important. Is this scene necessary? It might not be that nothing is happening. It might be that you're not engaging my senses. I want to be transported to her room. Layer in the senses as I said before. Particularly if it's not a action packed or emotionally charged scene.


(Danni smiled, thankful for her canine companion. Especially since Rob was never here.Danni didn’t need commitment. She needed Rob. They planned to marry. Someday. If he ever found time. His work in the music industry kept him out of town much of the year.Even if he couldn’t share much of his time, Rob had been generous with other things. Only a year ago, he had helped with the down payment for her condominium. He purchased the unit next door for himself. They planned to eventually connect the two units and make one, big luxury apartment in the middle of downtown Nashville. It was a good investment, and it would be a nice starter home when they finally decided to have a family. Danni often wondered how hard it would be to raise children alone. With Rob on the road forty weeks every year, he would miss so much in their lives. Would they even know their father?As more time passed, it became increasingly difficult for her to commit to marrying Rob—)

**this above is conveniently place backstory that will KILL your story. I wouldn't read it and didn't. What I did was see where it began and scanned to where it ended. That's what your readers would do too. Try to avoid this type of thing. Particularly in the first chapters but if at all possible throughout. Better to show the couple in an argument. Show everything that you told us here. No need for us to know everything up front. You can sprinkle it throughout the chapters. I would be much more interested in seeing them in dialogue over this or watch them interact with each other "on stage" than to read a summary of it***




What was that? **what was what? Let the reader hear the thump first before you have the character react to it, otherwise it's like having something appear in mid air. *** action THEN reaction. Not just reaction.

A thump. (It was coming rom the front of the condo.) *that's telling. Break it down. [Danni froze, listening. Thump. Thump. Thump. The sound conjured up the image of someone dropping to their knees, getting up again, dropping to their knees over and over in rhythmic succession (or whatever..just break it down so we have an auditory 'picture'***

Sophie growled. **you can do better** [Sophie drew up her lips, drool sliding off her sharp teeth onto hardwood...] *Danni **you're overusing Danni's name. She's the only person in the scene (we won't assume most of these actions come from a dog, so you're safe to use "she" most of the time**

glanced at the bedside clock. **digital? or the big hand on the three? **Three a.m. Tap. Tap. Tap. A knock on the front door? No one with good intentions would be visiting at this time of night.**No one with good intentions? That strikes me as an old fashioned way of putting it. If she's young, I'd think she'd be thinking 'who in the world would knock on her door in the middle of the night? She'd have goosebumps, her heart would be racing. Images of a man in a ski mask holding an icepick on the other side of the door would flash through her mind. adrenaline. panic. fear.

She switched off the television and slipped her hand into Sophie’s collar.( Danni whispered for the dog to move closer. ) SHOW IT.**she'd feel the softness of her fur, don't leave that stuff out. It brings fiction to life**her free hand toward the nightstand, she grabbed the leash and silently snapped it into Sophie’s collar ring. Come on, girl,” she (said softly) (remember to avoid the ly adjectives. You can usually find one perfect verb to replace the two. In this case it would be [whispered.]

. “Let’s see what’s going on.”The dog jumped off the bed and (walked quietly)[Her paws silent against the plush carpet beneath them** see the difference?**

with Danni through the living area and to the front door. Danni peeked out the wide-angle door viewer. The well-lit hallway outside appeared empty.**I want to see what she sees. Paint a picture***

(Suddenly Sophie picked up a scent ) **show don't tell** Sophie's nose twitched and she sniffed the ground in a sweeping fashion, until she suddenly stopped, jerked her head up, bared her teeth and ,]and began to scratch at the door jam. “Sssshhhh, Sophie. Quiet!” **she's screaming "quiet"? I suggest trading the ! for a . ****Someone had been outside the door. Danni peeked into the hallway again. Nothing. Just as she was breathing a short sigh of relief, a head appeared in the viewer!Danni screamed before she realized it was Rob.Catching her breath, she unbolted the door and threw it open. “What are you doing in the hallway at three in the morning?”Rob blushed. “I’m sorry if I scared you. I couldn’t find my keys. I thought it might be less frightening if I knocked instead of waking you with a phone call.”“I looked in the peep hole. You-you weren’t there at first.” (Danni tried to explain through trembling lips.) **RUE****“I dropped my cell phone and bent down to pick it up. I guess you saw me when I straightened up. Sorry.” Rob smiled wryly. Danni wrapped her arms around Rob’s neck. “I’m so glad it’s you!” She backed away and looked into his ice blue eyes. “But I didn’t expect you until later in the morning.”“We made unbelievable time coming from Phoenix, baby. It’s good to be home. You look beautiful.”

(Danni had forgotten until that moment that she was wearing her flannel pajamas—the ones with a pepperoni pizza design on a hot pink background. ) **show don't tell** Have him look at her pajamas and make a funny face, then have her look down and show us what she sees***(She could feel the heat rise to her face in a blush) **avoid when you can telling words like: she felt, she saw, she heard, etc and just show us. [Warmth flooded her cheeks.]

“Oh, yeah. I’ll bet I look great.” Rob stifled a yawn. “I’m tired, babe. Do you have my house keys?”“Sure. I’ll get them for you.” “How are you, Sophia?” Rob turned to Sophie and patted his chest. The dog jumped up, and he rubbed her head.“Can you have lunch with me at La Bistro today?” Danni asked when she returned.“I’ll do my best,” Rob said. “But I have to leave town again tomorrow night.”“Tonight?” Danni protested. But there was no need to argue against the inevitable. After Rob walked down the hallway to his adjoining condo,( Danni carefully secured the door.) **break it down and show us turning the first lock, latching a chain, etc. *** She and Sophie returned to bed. Comforted in knowing that Rob was home, (Danni fell asleep easily.) Show us**