Ane's Critique

You start out with some good tension and hint at some conflict, but I felt you never developed it, and lost any you had as soon as the door opened. There is a lot of dialogue in this chapter that can be cut. There didn't seem to be any real reason for it. It didn't seem to advance the story and lost my attention.

For easier reading, I cut out parts that didn't need suggestions.

Committed to Love

Chapter Two
Wednesday morning, March 22

She reached toward the nightstand and fumbled for the television remote[, and](. Hitting the “on” button, she) flipped through the channels until she found a cheesy, old movie. **Not every movement is needed to give the reader a realistic sense of action. Usually less is more**

[Danni moaned.]“Perfect! Just want I need to see(,)[.]” (Danni moaned out loud.) **Avoid dialogue tags at all costs, and then keep them to "said" if you must use one. Better to use an action beat to show who spoke**

(Danni)[She] didn’t need commitment. She needed Rob.

Even if he couldn’t share much of his time, (Rob)[he] had been generous with other things. Only a year ago, he (had) helped with the down payment for her condominium.

[She](Danni often) wondered how hard it would be to raise children alone.

What was that? A thump. It [came](was coming) **was coming infers ongoing** from the front of the condo.

Sophie growled. Danni glanced at the bedside clock. Three a.m.

(Tap. Tap. Tap.) [Something or someone softly tapped on the front door.] **This may be a personal thing, but I've never liked to see sound effects spelled out in a novel.**
(A knock on the front door?) No one with good intentions would be visiting at this time of night.

(Stretching her free hand toward the nightstand, s) [S]he grabbed the leash [off the nightstand] and silently snapped it into Sophie’s collar ring. **While we use phrases like that in our speech, in fiction the action is linear. You can't reach and grasp at the same time. You reach then grasp**

Just as she was breathing a short sigh of relief, a head appeared in the viewer[.](!) **Avoid exclamation points except for things like Help! – the reader will pick up the tension and shock of your writing without them – if you do your job. I'd play that scene out a bit longer to increase the tension before she sees Rob**Danni screamed before she realized it was Rob.

Catching her breath, she unbolted the door and threw it open. **This time it works! ;) You CAN catch your breath while you open a door.**

(“I looked in the peep hole. You-you weren’t there at first.” Danni tried to explain through trembling lips.

“I dropped my cell phone and bent down to pick it up. I guess you saw me when I straightened up. Sorry.” Rob smiled wryly.) **To be honest, I can't believe her standing in the doorway at 3 in the morning giving him the third degree. A little goes a long way. You don't have to explain every little thing to the reader. Trust them to get it. Unless you're laying a clue for something, most of that can go**

Danni wrapped her arms around [his](Rob’s) neck. “I’m so glad it’s you!” **Unless you introduce a new male, you can use pronouns instead of his name. Overuse of the name gets annoying and only necessary for clarity**

“We made unbelievable time coming from Phoenix, baby. **You're right – it IS unbelievable. If she expected him later in the morning, he made a lot of time up. How? Is this really important to the story?** It’s good to be home. You look beautiful.”

Danni (had forgotten until that moment that she was wearing)**telling**[looked down at] her flannel pajamas—the ones with a pepperoni pizza design on a hot pink background. She could feel the heat rise to her face (in a blush) **What else could it be? RUE**.

Rob stifled a yawn. “(I’m tired, babe.) **The stifling of a yawn infers he's tired. RUE** Do you have my house keys?”

“(Sure.) I’ll get them for you.” **Work for realistic dialogue. People rarely answer questions fully**

“Tonight?” (Danni protested.) **Again, resist the dialogue tags.**

After Rob walked down the hallway to his adjoining condo, [she](Danni) carefully secured the door.