Novel Journey Critiques ~ Week Two

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Read what our suggestions are, see if you agree or disagree. If we're off, leave a comment letting us know. Our suggestions are just that SUGGESTIONS. The author will be wise to use discernment and pick up what works for him/her and ignore what doesn't.

We're not above learning. We sometimes don't agree with one another's critiques of our work. Sometimes we debate, but ninety-five percent of the time or better, we have learned to trust each other. We've each been edited/critiqued by professional editors, best-selling authors, etc. and no one has been tougher on us than us.

Our hope is that not only this author who bravely subbed his/her work will benefit, but that some folks reading the critique will be able to apply our suggestions to their own work.

Our critique code is as follows:

( ) = suggest deleting
[ ] = sugges adding
** = comments
gws=goes without saying
rue=resist the urge to explain
im= internal monologue

THE ORIGINAL CHAPTER:

Committed to Love

Chapter Two
Wednesday morning, March 22

“Sophie! Move over. You’re pushing me off the bed.”

The big, black Newfie raised her head and stared at Danni. Apparently not impressed with her master’s request, Sophie stretched lazily, made herself longer, and settled in again.

Dog or no dog, Danni couldn’t sleep. She reached toward the nightstand and fumbled for the television remote. Hitting the “on” button, she flipped through the channels until she found a cheesy, old movie.

This should put me to sleep. She gave her pillow a good punch.

A few seconds later, a tall, blonde woman glided across the television screen. She wore a slinky black dress and dangling pearl earrings. The woman raised a hand to her bright red lips and flung it toward the camera. In a husky voice she purred, “Make him commit.” Immediately the screen dissolved to a shapely perfume bottle. Red lip prints decorated the label, along with the words “Commit Perfume.” Sold at fine department stores flashed at the bottom of the screen.

Perfect! Just want I need to see,” Danni moaned out loud.

Apparently, the dog wasn’t happy with the disruption. She pulled herself up and flopped down on the far side of the queen-sized bed.

“What’s wrong, Sophie, can’t take it either?”

The dog sighed, almost on cue.

Danni smiled, thankful for her canine companion. Especially since Rob was never here.
Danni didn’t need commitment. She needed Rob.

They planned to marry. Someday. If he ever found time. His work in the music industry kept him out of town much of the year.

Even if he couldn’t share much of his time, Rob had been generous with other things. Only a year ago, he had helped with the down payment for her condominium. He purchased the unit next door for himself. They planned to eventually connect the two units and make one, big luxury apartment in the middle of downtown Nashville. It was a good investment, and it would be a nice starter home when they finally decided to have a family.

Danni often wondered how hard it would be to raise children alone. With Rob on the road forty weeks every year, he would miss so much in their lives. Would they even know their father?

As more time passed, it became increasingly difficult for her to commit to marrying Rob—
What was that? A thump. It was coming rom the front of the condo.

Sophie growled. Danni glanced at the bedside clock. Three a.m.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

A knock on the front door? No one with good intentions would be visiting at this time of night.
She switched off the television and slipped her hand into Sophie’s collar. Danni whispered for the dog to move closer. Stretching her free hand toward the nightstand, she grabbed the leash and silently snapped it into Sophie’s collar ring.

Come on, girl,” she said softly. “Let’s see what’s going on.”

The dog jumped off the bed and walked quietly with Danni through the living area and to the front door. Danni peeked out the wide-angle door viewer. The well-lit hallway outside appeared empty.

Suddenly Sophie picked up a scent and began to scratch at the door jam.

“Sssshhhh, Sophie. Quiet!”

Someone had been outside the door. Danni peeked into the hallway again. Nothing.

Just as she was breathing a short sigh of relief, a head appeared in the viewer!

Danni screamed before she realized it was Rob.

Catching her breath, she unbolted the door and threw it open. “What are you doing in the hallway at three in the morning?”

Rob blushed. “I’m sorry if I scared you. I couldn’t find my keys. I thought it might be less frightening if I knocked instead of waking you with a phone call.”

“I looked in the peep hole. You-you weren’t there at first.” Danni tried to explain through trembling lips.

“I dropped my cell phone and bent down to pick it up. I guess you saw me when I straightened up. Sorry.” Rob smiled wryly.

Danni wrapped her arms around Rob’s neck. “I’m so glad it’s you!”

She backed away and looked into his ice blue eyes. “But I didn’t expect you until later in the morning.”

“We made unbelievable time coming from Phoenix, baby. It’s good to be home. You look beautiful.”

Danni had forgotten until that moment that she was wearing her flannel pajamas—the ones with a pepperoni pizza design on a hot pink background. She could feel the heat rise to her face in a blush. “Oh, yeah. I’ll bet I look great.”

Rob stifled a yawn. “I’m tired, babe. Do you have my house keys?”

“Sure. I’ll get them for you.”

“How are you, Sophia?” Rob turned to Sophie and patted his chest. The dog jumped up, and he rubbed her head.

“Can you have lunch with me at La Bistro today?” Danni asked when she returned.

“I’ll do my best,” Rob said. “But I have to leave town again tomorrow night.”

“Tonight?” Danni protested. But there was no need to argue against the inevitable.

After Rob walked down the hallway to his adjoining condo, Danni carefully secured the door. She and Sophie returned to bed.

Comforted in knowing that Rob was home, Danni fell asleep easily.