Jessica's Critique

Again, kudos to the writer for submitting work.

The scene moved very slow for me. What was it that was being established? If I were to guess, I would think this is either a mystery or suspense--where the reader is supposed to pick up that her boyfriend isn't telling all, or perhaps woman's fiction about a woman who keeps falling into second place in her boyfriend's life.

The POV wasn't as deep as I would have liked it. Read through three of your chapters and record how many scents, tastes, sounds, textures you pull out, then work on layering those elements in. There were parts where you simply stated things but delving deeper into the character would have brought those parts to life.

Take what benefits, toss the rest.


Chapter Two {{Why did you choose to show us chapter 2? My worry is that you don't feel the start of your book is strong enough}}
Wednesday morning, March 22

“Sophie! Move over. You’re pushing me off the bed.”
The big, (black) {{ Am I mistaken, or are the majority of these dogs black? If the majority are black, why not comment on the shagginess of the dog instead? Also, I assume this dog sheds a lot, in the story, I'd layer in her having to pick dog hair off her clothing or little things like brushing her couch off before ppl sit. } Newfie raised her head and stared at Danni. Apparently not impressed with her master’s request, Sophie stretched (lazily) {{show me this. What does a dog stretching lazily look like?}} , made herself longer, and settled in again.

Dog or no dog, Danni couldn’t sleep. {{It's not until the second paragraph that we know whose POV we're in. Establishing your reader is vital to making them feel in the story.}} She reached toward the nightstand and fumbled {{nice strong verb}} for the television remote. Hitting the “on” button, she flipped through the channels.{{impossibility for her to be hitting the on button and flipping through the channels. Why not comment on the instant noise? Or the soft glow in the room, bringing the reader there}} until she found a cheesy, old movie. {{Well, it doesn't sound like your character enjoys old movies, but my first thought was to give this a concrete description. Ex: until she found Cary Grant crooning over the phone to Doris Day—however, if she thinks old movies are cheesy, she might not know who they are.}}
This should put me to sleep. She gave her pillow a good punch. {{I liked this bit of IM (internal monologue) and action}}

A few seconds later, a tall, blonde woman glided across the television screen[, wearing] (. She wore) a slinky black dress and dangling pearl earrings. The woman raised a hand to her bright red lips and flung it toward the camera. In a husky voice she purred, “Make him commit.” Immediately the screen dissolved to a shapely perfume bottle. {{Since you're on the old movie channel, it sounds like we're watching an old movie. It was slightly jarring to realize it was a commercial}} Red lip prints decorated the label, along with the words “Commit Perfume.” Sold at fine department stores flashed at the bottom of the screen.

“Perfect! Just want I need to see,” Danni moaned out loud.

Apparently, the dog wasn’t happy with the disruption {{Suggest changing it to showing instead of telling. Ex: Sophie lifted her hand and gave her a reproving look before she pulled herself up and. . . . }} . She pulled herself up and flopped down on the far side of the queen-sized bed.

“What’s wrong, Sophie, can’t take it either?”

The dog sighed, almost on cue. {{Suggest reversing the order… Almost on cue, the dog sighed.}}
Danni smiled thankful for her canine companion. Especially since Rob was never here.

Danni didn’t need commitment. She needed Rob. {{Here's an example of where you can take statements and deepen the point of view by making the reader feel 'right there' with her. Ex: Danni smiled and buried her fingers in Sophie's shaggy fur. Thank goodness canines weren't like boyfriends. At least someone stayed home with her. The television commercial ended returning to the grainy movie. Danni sank back into her pillows, feeling miserable despite Sophie's warm tongue lapping her arm. Visions of the perfume woman echoed in her head. If only Rob would just commit. Heck, who needed commitment, I'd settle just to have him nearby <-- Lame writing I know, but it gives you an idea how you can pull your reader deeper into the story by not just stating things. Instead of saying Dannie 'was grateful,' have her pat the dog and think 'thank goodness'.. . etc,.}}

They planned to marry. Someday. If he ever found time. His work in the music industry kept him out of town much of the year. {{I wanted a concrete image here. What does he do in the music industry that keeps him on the road throughout the year? If he's an artist, I doubt she'd think of him as being in 'the music industry.' I'm racking my brain for other jobs that require a lot of travel, especially since they're in Nashville. Salesmen and talent scouts come to mind.}}

Even if he couldn’t share much of his time, Rob had been generous with other things. Only a year ago, he had helped with the down payment for her condominium. He purchased the unit next door for himself. {{Why this sudden switch of thought? One minute she's condemning him, the next she's switched to praising him. I suggest a better transition, even if it's just her looking at a picture of them smiling from their first date.}}

(They planned to eventually) [Eventually, they'd] connect the two units and make one, big luxury apartment in the middle of downtown Nashville. It was a good investment, and it would be a nice starter home when they finally decided to have a family.

Danni often wondered how hard it would be to raise children alone. With Rob on the road forty weeks every year, he would miss so much in their lives. Would they even know their father? {{Is this information really needed here? Besides the fact it's telling, it detracts from the story by making us read the back-story. Why not show this in dialogue during a fight with Rob? If you want to keep this here, I suggest switching to IM (internal monologue)}}

As more time passed, it became increasingly difficult for her to commit to marrying Rob—

What was that? A thump. {{Action/ Reaction . I would give a thump before she wonders what it was}} It was coming from the front of the condo. {{Suggest giving it a sound the reader can identify with. A thump, like that of a [fill in the blank], came from the front of the condo.}}

Sophie [lifted her head and] {{makes it visual}} growled. {{Suggest giving Danni an action beat of dread here, intensifying this}} Danni glanced at the bedside clock.
...

The dog jumped off the bed and walked quietly with Danni through the living area and to the front door. Danni peeked out the wide-angle door viewer. The well-lit hallway outside appeared empty. {{I'd add some of her emotions here. Even though her IM is doing a good job at suggestion she finds this creepy, it almost comes across as: Hmm, look at the clock, okay, if we have to, let's switch off the tv, get the dog, and check it out. Without filling us in on a bit of her anxiety, it's hard for us to feel it too}}
Suddenly [comma?] Sophie picked up a scent and began to scratch at the door jam.
“Sssshhhh, Sophie. Quiet!”

Someone had been outside the door. {{Doesn’t this knowledge create a sensation?}}

Danni peeked into the hallway again. Nothing.

Just as she was breathing a short sigh of relief, a head appeared in the viewer[.](!) {{#1. suggest saying 'peephole' perhaps. #2. The build up to this moment wasn't very suspenseful to me. }} Danni screamed before she realized it was Rob.

Catching her breath, she unbolted the door and threw it open. “What are you doing( in the hallway) [here] at three in the morning?”

Rob blushed{{the blush makes me wonder if he's hiding something.}}. “I’m sorry if I scared you. I couldn’t find my keys. I thought it might be less frightening if I knocked instead of waking you with a phone call.” {{yeah, his explanation makes me think he's hiding something}}

“I looked in the peep hole. You-you weren’t there at first.” Danni tried to explain through trembling lips. {{Her being this shaken up doesn't match above. I'd like to see her trembling beforehand.}}

“I dropped my cell phone and bent down to pick it up. I guess you saw me when I straightened (up). Sorry.” Rob smiled wryly.

Danni wrapped her arms around Rob’s neck. {{suggest twanging a sensation—what does he smell like}} “I’m so glad it’s you!”

She backed away and looked into his ice {{nice way to foreshadow he might be the bad guy. Since 'ice' blue eyes is an unusual description, you might want to expand just a tad. Ex: . . and looked into his ice blue eyes. They always startled her after they'd been apart, since their color was so unusual.}} blue eyes. “But I didn’t expect you until later in the morning.” {{that goes without saying. Maybe in real life they would talk like this, but it doesn't advance the story}}

“We made unbelievable time coming from Phoenix, baby. It’s good to be home. You look beautiful.”

Danni had forgotten until that moment that she was wearing her flannel pajamas—the ones with a pepperoni pizza design on a hot pink background. (She could feel the heat rise to her face in a blush.) {{try ridding your writing of 'feels like' and resist the urge to explain. Heat rushed through her face}} “Oh, yeah. I’ll bet I look great.”
Rob stifled a yawn. “I’m tired, babe. {{do you want him to call her both baby and babe?}} Do you have my house keys?”

“Sure. I’ll get them for you.”

“How are you, Sophia?” Rob turned to Sophie and patted his {{above Sophie was a 'she'.}} chest. The dog jumped up, and he rubbed her head. {{. . . or did Rob pat his own chest? In which in case, I suggest you delete it or make it clear, because it was confusing at first.}}

“Can you have lunch with me at La Bistro today?” Danni asked when she returned. {{Whose POV have we been in? We definitely started in Danni's when the story started, but when she left we stayed with the dog and Rob. We could have been in either POV, which shows you this part lacks depth (meaning that by staying with Rob and the dog we were just floating above the scene, not really involved.) If we were with Danni fuming that he came home early, or worried that he was hiding something, or not believing his story, the novel itself would be moving somewhere. That above scene wasted time as it didn’t establish anything.}}

“I’ll do my best,” Rob said {{suggest giving us some body language here, avoiding her eyes or something. I might be wrong, but it feels to me like you're establishing something fishy about him, but I write suspense, so maybe it's just me}} “But I have to leave town again tomorrow night.”

“Tonight?” Danni protested. But there was no need to argue against the inevitable.
After Rob walked down the hallway to his adjoining condo, Danni carefully secured the door(. She) and [with] Sophie returned to bed.

Comforted in knowing that Rob was home, Danni fell asleep easily. {{Why not leave the TV on when she goes to investigate and show she can fall asleep easily now by having her switch it off? I was going to mention above that if I were her, I'd leave the TV on since an intruder wouldn't be able to hear where she was in the apartment and it makes it sound like someone else could be home.}}