Ann Tatlock ~ Letting Go

Between the day I began to write fiction and the day I signed my first publishing contract lay a span of 11 years. You may think that time was spent writing novels, sending out proposals and getting rejection slips, but that’s not how it was. Instead, I spent those years writing entire manuscripts and then, when I reached the final sentence, putting the whole thing aside and starting all over again with a different story.

Every time I reached “The End,” the same thought popped into my mind: Not Good Enough.

It’s true that my earliest writings were not good enough for publication, and that those seven or so novels (I lost count) were a training ground for me in the art of writing fiction. But I’m sure there was more to my reluctance than that. To think of an editor actually reading what I’d written filled me with terror. I could tell myself I wasn’t good enough and accept it, but I sure didn’t want anyone else telling me the same thing! That first rejection would only confirm my deepest fears and no doubt paralyze my efforts for good.

Thankfully, I met my husband-to-be, who read one of my manuscripts and afterward said in essence, “Enough stalling.” I married Bob, wrote another book, Bob got me an agent--since I was too shy to try to get one myself--and the agent got me a contract with Bethany House, who has published all six of my novels to date. (That’s not to say there were no rejections. A series of houses rejected that first book before Bethany House picked it up. That’s part of the process and a writer has to face it.)

I sometimes wonder what might have become of me if Bob hadn’t intervened, because even now when I finish a manuscript, the neon lights in my brain start flashing the same old message of failure. I’ve never reached the point of saying, “Okay, now this manuscript is perfect!” I’ve never sent a novel off to my publisher with a feeling of triumph.

Instead, I cringe and hope my editor will be kind when she calls to tell me everything that’s wrong with the book.

Obviously, my doubts haven’t vanished with the years. But what has changed is this: Now, I don’t let the doubts stop me. I finish the book and I hit the send button and I know that even though the book is far from perfect, it’s probably not nearly as bad as I think it is and, on top of that, my editor is going to help me make it the best it can be.

My newest book, “Every Secret Thing,” will be in bookstores October 1. Did I cringe when I sent my original draft of this novel to my editor? You bet I did. And then I waited for several anxious weeks for the dreaded verdict. But when my editor called, I was pleasantly surprised. She said the book was good! At first I was perplexed (“Are you sure we’re talking about the same book?”), but as it dawned on me that she really did love the story, I was free to love it too. Read the review of Every Secret Thing.

For “Every Secret Thing,” I reached back into my childhood and pulled out bits and pieces of my own story. The plot and characters of the book are fictional, but many of the details are true. The novel takes place in Delaware at the private school I attended from 8th through 12th grade. The main character, Beth Gunnar, is similar to me in that she loves literature and she lacks confidence! Many of her thoughts as a child were my thoughts, and some of what happens to her happened to me. Some, but not all. It’s a fun mixture of fact and fiction.

Beth is returning to teach at Seaton School after many years away. She wants to return to the school she loved, but at the same time, being on campus revives memories of a loss she never resolved. She realizes that the sudden disappearance of a favorite teacher has haunted her all her life, and she wants to find out the truth about what happened to him. There’s a little bit of mystery in the story, a little bit of humor, a little bit of romance. Ultimately, it’s a story of faith and reconciliation, and of how God reveals himself in the simplest of moments.

And I’ll clue you in: The chapter about the bells in the basilica--the bells that go on ringing until Beth realizes God’s great love for her--that’s all true. It happened to me.

You can find more information about “Every Secret Thing”, as well as discussion questions, on my website. Please come visit!