Great opening hook. This writer knows the mechanics of a good story. I was drawn into the story immediately. I love this writer's style and voice. While perhaps some things could be tightened some or saved to be told later in the saga, I'd be hard-pressed to suggest too many changes. This flows. Any back story was slipped in with just a single sentence here and there. I felt what back story was told was necessary to the story, or at least it didn't stop the flow or the action. This is definitely a book I would continue reading.
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Wonderful writing.
ReplyDeleteGina: I get your point about the "salty bacon" and the boys but as a reader, both things made sense to me. Have you ever smelled something so delicious you could sense the taste of it in your mouth? Maybe that's still mixing senses though.
And the writer had just introduced the boys on the other side of the wall. I took the bit about the father to mean that he made his girls work so that the boys wouldn't fuss about having to do so. Everybody worked. Everyone treated the same.
This is one story I'd like to read.
Thanks Patricia. What I usually do is if one person says something, I consider it but if everyone else gets it or likes it, then it's probably just that one person's subjective opinion. Now if several mention the same thing, I'd definitely rethink it. I use 90 percent or so of what Ane and Jess tell me, but there is that other ten percent I don't. This could be a case of that for this writer.
ReplyDeleteI agree this writing was excellent. It could have been published as is and I would have been impressed. I'm glad you disagreed out loud. We go back and forth like this in our critique group all the time. Disagree with each other on points just like this one. In fact, Jess privately disagreed with my salty comment. I keyed her car and she ripped a clump of my hair out and then we decided not to talk about it anymore ;)
Excellent writing!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that tripped me up was this: "But in truth, rue sizzles long before death stirs up any kind of gumbo ya ya"
I love the imagery, but being a Cajun cook of sorts, I believe "rue" is "roux"
And as for the Gumbo ya ya Here's a link for you.
This dish was invented by chef Paul Prudhomme at the legendary New Orleans eatery, K-Paul, in the 1970s. He says its so good, it makes you say YaYa! This is my version of this great dish.
For clarification, the recipe at the link is not mine. Oops! I quoted that from the actual chef's page. :)
ReplyDeleteRue in the context means "regret." It works and plays on "roux" and the making of a gumbo.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful writing!
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts on "salty" bacon: The sense of smell and taste are closely related. That's why we salivate when we smell something yummy. We've been conditioned to know what taste that smell brings next--just ask Pavlov. In fact, if I'm remembering my science correctly, smell is the molecules carried on the air absorbing into the membrane of your nose, while taste is the molecules absorbing into your taste buds. So...kind of the same thing. Which is really gross if you think of it while changing a dirty diaper.
ReplyDeleteI had to stop in the middle of my reading to get the laundry out of the dryer. Even through a quick fold and pile, I kept thinking of the submission and wanting to read more. I agree that this is proudly publishable with very little changes. The only suggestion I have is to be sparing with the sound words. The one I thought should be removed was "thump." I know we want to hear the world, but if every few paragraphs there are a few sounds set off in their own sentences, by the end of the book, we'll be reading "zoink."
"I stirred to the familiar jingle. Mama’s cowbell." This lets us hear it without another "clank."
Author, I would love to know when your book will be coming out. Please email me. :-)
I looked this up so we'd all know.
ReplyDelete"Gumbo ya-ya"
Translated: everybody talking all at once; usually over a pot of gumbo.