Jessica's Critique

Here's a quote from Self-Editing for the Fiction Writer that I think applies to this submission:

". . . the author introduces [character] to his readers all at once and in depth—stopping the story, in effect, for a summary of her character.

A lot of writers seem to feel they have to give their readers a clear understanding of a new character before they can get on with their story. They never bring a character on stage without a short personality summary. Or else they introduce their characters with flashbacks to childhood scenes that made them who they are—in effect, psychoanalyzing the characters for their readers." Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, Renni Browne and Dave King

I've learned a lot about the character Darlene Coleman, but nothing that makes me care to read more about her. I think Gina's suggestion is good about not starting the story here. Perhaps pick it up when Judge Coleman realizes something is missing on her desk. That's a situation that would draw my interest and can be written in such a way as to communicate that this judge is meticulous.

I think this writer has strength in visualizing things, which help the reader "see" the story. (Example, removing paperclips from the papers, or the bobby pins not catching stray strands of hair.) But I advise them to be careful to do this sparingly. The idea isn't to overwhelm us with the details of the scene, but give us just enough that we have a sense of this "world."

My verdict--Work on pulling the reader into the story. Bring out the action.