I agree with Gina that the writing is mechanically correct, but nothing hooks me in the opening. No POV to draw me into the character. No action in the first two pages. I felt like the author was talking to me. There wasn't much action in the whole thing.
If I picked this up in a store, I wouldn't have read beyond the first page but put it back on the shelf. This is all telling and little showing. There are a few grammar problems, too. Her more adventurous side, shouted with glee. No comma is necessary here. And: Back in the day she would have did that should be "she would have done."
Remain consistent with numbers—some were numerical, others spelled out. All numbers should be spelled out, until you get into large unwieldy numbers like 1,283,945. :)
Watch clich̩s like "steal her thunder" Рsee if you can put a new twist on it.
I finally felt like I was in Darlene's head in the two paragraphs at the elevator. My suggestion would be to write a new opening, placing the judge right into some kind of situation that is filled with action.
The final paragraph I'd like to see in someone's POV. It's omniscient and felt like author intrusion to me. With this author's ability, that could have been chilling if done in the antagonist's POV.
I liked the author's wordsmithing in places. Very well done. With a new opening, this could be a good read. The talent is there.
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Thursday, January 25, 2007
Ane's Take ~
I totally understand what you're suggesting for this opening scene ... however, I wanted to mention something that I've been learning. Not all books have to start with life and death action to be intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThe first chapter of any book is incredibly important, I recognize that entirely. But I'm concerned that suggesting cutting the scene entirely is too drastic, and potentially devastating to whoever wrote this piece.
There are ways to tighten the scene without cutting it entirely. The end offers a great bit of intrigue.
I'm sticking my neck out here, I know.
Ane, I put this post under your comments, but I meant it in regard to the whole critique in general, not just your comments.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, C.J., there are ways to tighten the scene. From my own experience, I've had to cut the first chapters of two WIPs to make them better.
ReplyDeleteI understand about not necessarily jumping into action, but too much introspection in the opening scene can be (and I say CAN not IS) boring.
Fiction is so subjective, and one person's opinion is the exact opposite from another's. I hope all our submitters realize this.
Thanks CJ. It crushed me when a wonderful author suggested something similar to me with my first novel. She was right though and I think this author can weave much of what she's saying here into other scenes.
ReplyDeleteI certainly wasn't suggesting all books begin with action. I think I said "or something interesting". I'm a fan of literary fiction so I know action isn't necessary.
We appreciate you calling us on something you didn't agree with though. It will help this author to weigh what we've said against what you've said. Thanks!
And you guys do know I'm totally with you and your vision for Novel Journey, right? I love the site. :)
ReplyDeleteAre any of the people that do these critiques published authors?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ane, Jessica, and Gina. But only because their rationale is how I pick a book to buy, in the store. I read the first page or so. This one I would have put back.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is very good, but I've seen a ton of good writing...published and not, that doesn't engage me.
The only paragraph that grabbed me was the very last one. Using a very short intro in front of it...that's where this should start, to grab readers and make them turn the page>
Hi Anonymous, I'll repost here our opening comments when we started critiquing on Novel Journey, lest we give the impression of being too big for our breeches. :-)
ReplyDelete"Today we share our first on-line critique. Ane, Jess and I have been critique partners for years and thought maybe some stuff we've picked up might be useful to others. Maybe not.
Okay, before anybody suggests we might not knowing what the heck we're talking about being three unpublished novelists, I thought I'd say it for you. Who are we to give advice? If our advice was so great, we'd have juicy multi-book contracts, right?
You're right. We may not having the vaguest idea what we're talking about. Let the proof be in the pudding. Read what are suggestions are, see if you agree or disagree. If we're off, leave a comment letting us know. Our suggestions are just that SUGGESTIONS. The author will be wise to use discernment and pick up what works for him/her and ignore what doesn't.
We're not above learning. We sometimes don't agree with one another's critiques of our work. Sometimes we debate but ninety-five or better percent of the time, we have learned to trust each other.
I trust what these two ladies have to say about my writing above anyone else.
We've each been edited/critiqued by professional editors, best-selling authors, etc and no one has been tougher on us than us. We're each agented and have all made it as far as committee. But like I said, we are not basking in the glow of book contracts, so feel free to jump in and suggest we're wrong on a point or many points if you think we are."
Thanks all. We appreciate the comments and input. We struggled with whether or not to do this for the reason "anonymous" suggested but you know, we've been in critique groups for years. You don't need to be a published novelist (though we're all "published" in other venues) to critique, otherwise there would be no critique groups.
ReplyDeleteWe welcome any suggestions on whether or not we're on or off on what we suggest. It takes a lot of our time to do this and it's much more fun and fuzzy feeling to tell someone, "great job" than to say your baby needs some work. It's those who can take criticism, weed out the good advice from the bad with a teachable spirit and apply it that improve in their craft.
We're on the same journey as this author, and we have to hear that our babies need work as well. We know how difficult that is because we hear it on a daily basis.
We really do appreciate the comments. Keep them coming.
Thanks everyone.
p.s. We love you too CJ! Even if you hate every suggestion we make forevermore. We disagree with each other so that's not a requirement for friendship :)
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies. More good stuff to get us thinking. I saw promise in this writer's stuff. One of the biggest things he or she has going for him or herself is a willingless to learn, to listen to criticism and take advice. That is so hard, but so important. I recognized MY OWN weakness in this chapter- lots of was's and were's. Tough to kick that habit!
ReplyDeleteThis is why I love this site. Nevermind the inspiring author interviews, which I look forward to. The critique and two opinions on an original submission are priceless.
ReplyDeleteBased on my limited experience publishing short stories and now transitioning to novel-length, you are providing a primer from which writers of all levels of experience can learn.
I've forwarded the critiques to another aspiring author. For myself, I'm printing them out as a way to help me look at my own work more objectively. Hopefully, they will help me to become a better writer. Keep them coming!
Thanks Patricia. We're glad some folks are benefitting. We appreciate your comment.
ReplyDeleteHi, Gina, Jessica, and Ane,
ReplyDeleteY'all are doing a great job on the critiques. I really enjoy reading what you think about each selection. Sometimes I cringe for the author,(even though your comments are always kind) but I'm sure that the writers who are willing for their work to be critiqued publicly know the risks. As far as you all not being published in full-length fiction yet, I think your thoughtful insights speak for themselves. Like this particular piece--I, too, enjoyed and admired the author's talent but thought there was way too much backstory and distance from the actual scene. (I did wonder if she was about to be a murder victim in the next scene so maybe the distance was on purpose. If so, though, in my opinion the scene is way too long.) Something to remember--some of the best fiction editors in the business have never even written a novel.
I had to laugh just now. I finished a scene and took a break from writing to browse some of my favorite blogs/websites, including this one. As soon as I read Ane's Take, I went back to the scene I'd finished and reworded the "steal her thunder" sentence I'd just written. I like cliches sometimes, but this just seemed like too much of a coincidence for me to leave it.
Thanks for all you do for Christian fiction!
Thanks Christine. We really appreciate that.
ReplyDelete