Gina's Take

This was well written. The rules are adhered to. The writer is obviously not too green.
I liked your opening lines. They were different and had my attention.

What I see as the big issue here is that if this is a chapter one, you opened up with a whole lot of backstory. It was taught to me that this was often a death knell. One author you all know and love suggests not having ANY within the first fifty pages. One of the things editors say they see again and again and are turned off by, is a story that opens with backstory. Anything that isn't current action is backstory. Readers skim it to get to what's happening now. I do the same thing and my mind wanted to do that here as well.

I suggest opening up with current action. Not IM (internal monologue) of what has happened or a flashback. This information can all be shown on stage little by little. A sprinkle here. A dab there. It's okay to raise questions that aren't answered right away. It's GOOD to do this in fact.

This is all subjective of course, and I'm only giving my personal opinion. For me, I would have passed on this story because of this one factor alone. Like I said, the writing was good and the story promises to be interesting ... IF kept "on stage" and in the here and now. Others have broken this rule and lived to win coveted awards, so ... but that's my suggestion on this one for what it's worth.