Ane's Crit

Overall, a well written chapter with a good opening hook. This writer did a good job of characterization in the dialogue, especially with the realtor. That said, there is always room for improvement, and on page 2, you jumped into some back story that isn't necessary yet in the story. The small amount of back story you slipped into Phyllis' thoughts on page 1 was good – just enough to get the idea that she's run from an abusive situation and that Emily and she had been good friends until the guy. That's all that's needed for now. Good job!

Chapter 1

Emily. Emily Perkins.

The name still sounded strange to her, but Phyllis Graves knew she would have to get used to it. She’d chosen the name a week ago. Just six days, really. Three days after she decided to run. **Great opening. I'm hooked. I wasn't sure by the first line, and then it hit me. This writer knows when to break the rules**

What would Emily think of me now? She wished her old high school pal and college roommate was around now. Emily and Phyllis had been inseparable—until Skip.

Seated ( )in Sufficient Grounds, the town of Templeton’s coffee bar, Phyllis cradled a mug of untouched chocolate mint mocha. The warmth penetrated her frozen fingers, but could not touch the ice surrounding her heart. **I'd swap this paragraph and the one above. That way, you ground the reader into the scene**

She put on her perky persona and practiced her greeting[.]( – a)[A]gain. **It's stronger as its own sentence** Hi! I’m Emily Perkins. You must be Ms. Miles. Thank you for meeting me today.

It had to be perfect. No one could know her real name[,]( –) least of all a real estate agent. **I'm the queen of the em dash, I love them But not one in every paragraph. This is stronger with the "again" all by itself** She could['t] (not) risk this agent, Bev Miles, remembering anything significant about her. Because of Skip. **using a contraction felt more natural, even with reading it with the emphasis on not**

The thought of Skip finding her now caused a shiver.**Can you put that on stage? Like: If Skip found her now … She shuddered.** Not now, not after she had finally broken free. She swirled the coffee stirrer in her mug. We can’t risk that.

We. Yes, she had to protect “Jerry,” too. At six it had been fairly easy to convince Thomas how much fun it would be to use his middle name. She did not think she could be successful changing his name entirely.

“What’s your full name?” she had innocently asked her son just four days ago.

“Thomas Jericho Graves.” His chin stuck out, punctuating the “Graves” with authority.

“That’s right. You know, sometimes, when I was a little girl, I would pretend my middle name was my first name – just for fun. Have you ever wanted to do that?”

“No!” He scrunched up his face as if getting sick, and she stifled a laugh. “Jericho, ick.”

“Well, how about ‘Jerry,’ then?”

“Yeah!” Briefly his face took on a child’s normal carefree look, but then the shadow in his eyes returned. “But it’s just pretend, right?”

She had regretted the ruse, but how could she explain to a five-year-old that she was afraid his father would kill her? He had already seen too much.

“Yes, just pretend,” Phyllis said softly to no one, as she sat alone in the coffee shop in Templeton. “Just pretend.”

(Thomas’ middle name came from the Bible story about Joshua and the Battle of Jericho. Skip, of course, had had a fit. But it was one of the rare times in her marriage of then three years when she’d held her ground. She’d paid for it months later when her body was healed from the birth and her follow-up appointments with her doctor were over. In the four years since then she had only stood up to him one other time. I’m not going to think about that.)

(The story of Jericho had amazed her then—and inspired her still. Conquering a fortified city by simply marching around it and blowing a horn? What a powerful example of what God can do through faith—and obedience.)

(Obedience. That’s rich. If she had been obedient to God’s will herself, she would not be in this pickle now. But maybe Thomas/Jerry would learn from Phyllis/Emily’s mistakes.) **You've moved away from the action into back story on page 2, and you've lost the tension you built. I suggest taking the last three paragraphs and keeping them for later. The first chapter is so important, and I found my self skimming here. You'd lost me. As soon as you hit the dialogue and action, my interest raised again**

(Phyllis looked up when t)[T]he jingle bells hung over the coffee shop door jangled. An attractive, self-assured professional woman – everything Phyllis longed to be, but knew she never would be – walked in, looking around. **Action the reaction, so Phyllis doesn't look up until after the bells jangle. And you don't need to tell us she looked up. By describing the woman, we KNOW she looked up**

Here we go, Emily. Make it real.

“Ms. Miles?” (she called as s)[S]he stood at her table, her left hand raised slightly in greeting.

The woman turned, made eye contact, and strode purposefully to the table.

“Please, it’s Bev – and it’s ‘Mrs.’ You must be Emily Perkins.”

Phyllis felt an immediate attraction to the woman, who (was smiling)[smiled] and (sticking ) [stuck] out her hand. (She took a deep breath and plunged.)

[Taking a deep breath, she grasped the agent's hand.]“Yes, that’s me.(” Phyllis grasped the agent’s hand. “) Thanks for meeting me today, Mrs. Miles.”

“Ooo! Warm hands. And it’s Bev.”

Emily relaxed and smiled her first smile. “Yes, all right, Bev it is, then.”

“Great! Let me just get something warm to drink—I’m frosted—and then we can start. You need anything?”

Emily pointed to her mug and shook her head, then sat down as Bev called out her order to the clerk behind the counter.

“Dana? Could you make me one of those wonderful caramel things I like? You know, that frappa-, cappa-, nappacino thingy.”

**I'd move this up with the dialogue above, but that's me**(Bev, her e)[E]yes sparkling, [she] turned back to Emily (as she)[and] sat. “I’m in here almost everyday, you’d think I could remember. But it’s all just coffee to me.”

But she popped back up like a bobber on a fishing line a fish was nibbling on **I question this simile. This is in a woman's POV. Do women think like that? LOL That's a man's simile. Try for a female one. Perhaps like: bread in a toaster**. “Oh, Dana, hon?—Emily, please excuse me. Sorry—Dana, hon, could you sprinkle a little cinnamon in that? Thanks! Just wave when it’s ready.”

Then Bev did sit down and look Emily right in the eye. “I read that cinnamon in your coffee is good for your cholesterol. So, Ms. Perkins, may I assume you’re moving to the Templeton area?”

“I am, and just Emily, please.”

“Alrighty then(, Emily).**too much like the above. Bev seems like a flighty thing, and I think she'd keep moving on, steamroll over anyone** Tell me a little about yourself, what you do, what you’re looking for in a house. That kind of thing.” Bev sat, attentive, with the most attractive jade green pen Emily had ever seen poised over her notebook.

(Emily)[She] took a deep breath. **the pronoun refers back to the last named person, so use she**

“Well, I’m a nurse and I’ll be working at Templeton Hospital. In the burn unit.”

“Is there a Mr. Perkins?”

Emily looked slightly to the left, then caught herself. “No. Just me and my son, Tho-, Jerry. Mr. Perkins, well, he’s...” **I have a couple of questions. Would she really ask more than what Emily was looking for in a house? Nowadays, the realtor doesn't have anything to do with financing or loans, so why is she asking about what Emily does and is there is a Mr. Perkins? I'm not sure that's realistic. Unless it's important to the story, I'd cut that part.**

Bev raised her hands as if to say it was not her business, but Emily could tell a question had been raised in the woman’s mind. I’ve got to be more careful. She hoped this agent would not pursue the point. Emily was not up to looking for another realtor, and Nancy had highly recommended this one.