Ane's Take

My thoughts are first, this is a writer to watch. While raw, the talent is there and with time and continued learning, her writing will mesmerize the reader.

That said, I agree with Jessica's critique. Without naming the character in the beginning, I found it hard to be drawn into the story. I felt like I was outside, looking through a window instead of being in the room even though it was an interesting start. With so much internal monologue going on, I felt the lack of action.

I was confused, thinking perhaps this was a dream. I didn't get the mistress/bottle thing until later, which made the opening a bit edgy—not altogether a bad thing. However, if I picked this up in the bookstore and read the first page, I wouldn't have bought it. I'd suggest moving this to a later chapter.

If this is the opening chapter, I felt like it had too much back story (Jessica called it an info dump). Intersperse short bits of the back story throughout the novel. That keeps the reader turning the pages.

The repetition of starting sentences with the pronouns pulled me out of the story a bit. Break up the pattern where possible by rephrasing the sentences. I also think the writer needs to work on a male POV. Where Michael holds the photo and "stares at her precious face" is definitely a female writing this. I'd suggest picking up A Bigger Life by Annette Smith or A Nest of Sparrows by Deborah Raney. Both those books are excellent examples of women successfully writing in a male POV.

Lastly, I want to encourage this writer to keep writing and keep getting critiques. This shows great promise!