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Thursday, January 18, 2007

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Jessica's Take

Thursday, January 18, 2007    3 comments

I really liked this submission. There's definitely a story happening here, and if I had had the full chapter before me, there's no doubt I would have kept reading.

Is "Skip" a scary enough name for Phyllis's antagonist? It's only a suggestion, but the name itself strikes me as geeky.

I was glad Ane suggested that you move the line about the coffee shop toward the front. I would keep the opening paragraph, but then establish the reader in the coffee shop. Also, I would weave in a bit more of the scene. Every time Phyllis's thoughts change direction, reestablish us back in her point of view. Let us see her and experience the setting with her. Make sure to keep the five senses active as you do this. It will bring the coffee shop to life and make the scene feel immediate.

I agree about there being too much back-story, but of course, the hook is that this is like Sleeping with the Enemy, so you want to keep in that she's running from Skip. Ane did a good job of pointing out where the back-story overpowered her.

Over all, good job!

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3 comments:

  1. Kristy Dykes7:23 AM, January 18, 2007

    Thanks, everyone, for the great crits. I read every word. Interesting--I'm struggling with this issue, back story, right now in the first scene of a WIP. Like Gina and Jessica pointed out, some authors can get away with it. After reading your crits, I'm going to go get my headscratcher and so some big headscratching (see my blog post yesterday to see my giant brass headscratcher).

    Thanks for your great input and comments. I hope I can translate them to my WIP.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anna3:49 PM, January 18, 2007

    Hi -

    This was a teaser. I want more. Emily's fear comes through loud and clear.

    In my humble opinion, the name, "Skip," works. Ordinary people deal with these issues. A villain, who doesn't seem like one to most folks is more chilling than one with a curled mustache and evil laugh.

    My two cents.

    Anna

    ReplyDelete
  3. Unknown10:08 PM, January 18, 2007

    Thanks Ladies. I was okay with Skip too. You know how subjective these things are though. Thanks for speaking up. We're quite fallible. (Mostly Ane and Jess are ; )

    ReplyDelete

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