A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the PEN

"Isn't this supposed to be about writing awards?"

"Sure, why?"

"Because that fancy little seal thingy is for some sort of writers' association, not a contest."

"Excellent observation. It's the seal of the International PEN is a worldwide association of writers, which co-sponsors a number of awards."

"So how come I never heard of it?"

"I don't know, I can't explain your ignorance."

"Oh, and you know everything? So tell me, O wise one, what's this International PEN thing all about?"

"That's why I'm here for. PEN, still the only international writers' association in the world, was founded in 1921 in London by Catherine Amy Dawson Scott and John Galsworthy."

"Who?"

"Ms. Scott was a British author, poet and playwright, and Mr. Galsworthy was a playwright and novelist. Both were quite popular in their day. In fact, Galworthy won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1932, and a number of his works have been filmed. Ever hear of The Forsyth Saga? But never mind, this article isn't about them."

"Then why'd you mention them?"

"To answer your question about the International PEN organization. Quit interrupting me."

"Sorry."

"As I was saying, PEN was founded in the twenties, and its first members included some big names, such as Joseph Conrad – he was Polish, did you know that? His real name was Józef Teodor Konrad Korzeniowski – Elizabeth Craig, George Bernard Shaw, and H. G. Wells. The PEN's purpose is not only to promote good literature, but more importantly, to defend freedom of expression. It actively opposes political censorship and speaks for writers who are persecuted for expressing their views."

"That's interesting. How's it work?"

"The organization is composed of 145 Centres in 104 countries,--"

"You spelled that wrong."

"No, it's British. They not only talk funny, but they spell funny too. It's Centres, not Centers."

"Okay, so what's a Centre?"

"In the words of the PEN website, 'The Centres are autonomous organisations that organise their own programme of activities that work towards the guiding principles of International PEN and the Charter. These include producing publications, literary prizes and public literary events as well as community programmes…'"

"You're right, they talk funny and spell funny both. So these Centre things are all over the place. What do you have to do to be a member?"

"Membership is open to any published writer who subscribes to their Charter. That is, agrees with their ideals. If you want more specifics, you can find their official Charter here: http://www.internationalpen.org.uk/go/about-us/charter/pen-charter."

"Hmmm. Lofty ideals indeed. But we're here to talk about writing awards, right?"

"Quite so. And there are a number of literary awards associated with International PEN. Today we'll just talk about one of them, the PEN/Faulkner Award for Fiction, which is given annually to the author of the best American work of fiction that year."

"I don't want to talk about that one. What are our other choices?"

"What do you mean, you don't want to talk about that one? It's an award for American fiction. I think that's pretty appropriate for our purposes."

"I didn't say it wasn't appropriate, I said I didn't want to talk about it."

"Why not?"

"Because I had to read The Sound and the Fury in school, and I hated it. I didn't do such a spiffy job on the exam, either, and it brought down my grade point average, and—"

"And I don't care. We're talking about the PEN/Faulkner Award for Fiction, and if you don't like it, you can leave. It's a free blog, you know."

"Free? So what's that automatic deduction from my checking account every month?"

"Shhh! Cool it, would you? (Hey, Gina, can we delete that? What? It's already posted? Oh, great, now what do I do?)"

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. We're talking about the PEN/Faulker Award for Fiction. First bestowed in 1980 to Bryan Aguiar for his novel Mister Pothead—"

"You mean I'm not supposed to have to pay for a subscription? What are you doing with all that money?"

"This year Kate Christensen took the prize of $15,000 for The Great Man. Each of the other three finalists receives $5,000, making the PEN/Faulkner the largest peer-juried award for fiction in the United States."

"What do you mean, perjuried? I'm telling the truth, man, I've been paying you $29.99 every month for—"

"The award, obviously, is named for William Faulkner, who used his Nobel Prize funds to create an award for young writers. In conjunction with PEN International, which we've already discussed—"

"You mean everybody else doesn't have to pay? I thought it was a little funny that the money went to you personally, not NovelJourney, but—"

"Okay, folks, that about wraps it up for today."

"You've been ripping me off all this time, haven't you? I want my money back!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Gina, make her give me my money back!"

"Excuse us, folks. Sorry for the confusion, but don't worry, I'll get this straightened out right quick. See y'all in Minneapolis next week?"

"Minneapolis? Hey, wait just a cotton-pickin' minute. You didn't use that money to pay for your conference, did you? What's that in your hand? Looks like the statue they give out for one of those other prizes you talked about a few months ago, what was it? The Dagger awards? Um, you're making me a little uncomfortable there, you know. Would you mind putting that down? Hey, cut it out—no, that's not what I meant! Gina, make her sto—"