How to Win Amish Friends and Influence Zoologists

Gina Holmes


What do you think of my new book title? Yes, it bears a striking resemblance to another ridiculously popular self-help book, but I figure that’s the beauty of it.

That book sold millions, mine will of course appeal to considerably fewer as the ratio of Amish and zoologists is significantly lower than that of the general population.

I figure to keep things simple, I’ll combine the two—Amish zoologists. In Chapter one I can explain how using animal sounds but avoiding technologically savvy terms is more likely to get a good response from an Amish Zoologist. And if you must disagree, never do so via e-mail, as the Amish zoologist probably doesn’t own a computer.

Yes, I’m being goofy, but I do have a point and it has to do with writing fiction. Winning Amish Friends and Influencing Zoologists will probably not do as well as its predecessor How to Win Friends and Influence People. Why not? It lacks the same universal appeal.

As I looked back over the past year, evaluating the novels which moved me, and really non-fiction too, what made my absolute favorite books stand out was more than them being well written, because there are books which have moved me which, quite frankly, could use a good edit. There were a couple books which were so well written I gasped in awe, but that’s not what endeared them to me. Beautiful prose alone is like an angel singing a grocery list in perfect pitch. Yes, it sounds pretty. I admire the skill, but do I want to hear it again? Negatory. Does it haunt me? Not unless I’m grocerylistaphobic.

I still remember my middle-school’s performance of Man of La Mancha. Our Don Quixote sang like the seventh grader he was, his voice a bit Peter Brady-ish as his hormones began the boy to man change, yet it was incredibly moving. To dream the impossible dream … don’t we all have one of those? Martin Luther King Jr. had a great one. Mine at that time was a certain dimple-cheeked classmate. So, my big aspiration wasn’t to improve racial equality or promote world peace, I just wanted to hold some boy’s hand and pass ‘I heart you’ notes, but it was no less important to me at that time in my life.

If we want our writing to be something people want to not just check out from the library and return before it’s read, but placed in a permanent spot on their home bookshelves or shared with friends, it has to not just be an interesting story—well crafted, it must have universal appeal.

How can we accomplish that? By putting our characters in real situations, with authentic feelings, hopes and failings. Make them vulnerable in ways we’ve all been. Loving someone who doesn’t love us back is something most everyone can relate to. Even the beautiful Sally reading your book who has never not had the affection of a man she was interested in can relate. You see, her father only praised her when she brought home straight-A’s. In her mind, she’s never had his unconditional love. She will internalize your characters gut-wrenching pain.

Fear of failing at something which really matters is another choice. Fear is as universal as you can get. Just about any good plotline will have this at the heart of an authentic character. What are they afraid of and why? Not sure? Okay, ask yourself: What am I afraid of and why? Now pass some of that on to your hero, or antagonist. That’s an excellent way to add depth to your story.

You’ve read to give your characters warts? I absolutely think this is pivotal. I'm a sinner. I fail. I get up. I try again. You may be perfect, but I can’t relate to that. I struggle and I need to know that others do to. That I’m not such a freak. I want to know I’m normal and that there’s hope for my failings. Good, authentic fiction, will find a way to show me that we are all part of imperfect humanity but there is hope for screw-ups.


How many times have you heard the argument, “I can’t come to God like this. I’ve got to get it together first.”? Or “He could never forgive me. You don’t know what I’ve done.”

No, I don’t know what you’ve done and you don’t know what I’ve done which would surely make you slap a hand over your heart and tell Elizabeth you’re coming to join her.

Thank goodness we don’t have to go through everything we put our characters through. We don’t have to have experienced a death of a spouse to write convincingly about the subject, but if your character has a passing thought at the funeral of the insurance money, gulp, yes that’s horrible, but I’d believe it and identify. Why? Because it’s true to the greedy human nature we fight against. We’ve all had equally shocking thoughts, if we’re being honest. Put your characters in situations we can all identify and make the resulting feelings and reactions authentic. If you’ve had a thought or struggle, you can bet the rest of us have too. There’s nothing new under the sun and what you wrestle with, we have wrestled with.

In aiming for universal appeal, ask yourself, what is it my characters want that everyone can relate to? In my first book it was unconditional love. We all want that, yes? Yet few really feel they have it.

In another story, my character felt a desperate need to find her path. Her place in the world. We’ve all been there or are there or will be there.

The story I’m working on now, I’ve had to make a conscious effort to decide what the universal appeal is. I think for this protag., it will be longing for forgiveness. She’s trying to earn it. Haven’t we all tried that at some point?

What’s the universal appeal in the book/story you’re working on right now? Why will I identify with your characters, root for them and ultimately gain insight about myself through them? It’s worth your time to pin the answers down. It may make the difference between readers saying your book was ‘okay’ and grabbing their friend’s shoulders and saying, ‘You HAVE to read it. It’s amazing.’