Keep in mind before reading my suggestions that I don't write or usually read woman's fiction. My work is rejected on a fairly regular basis so measure what I'm saying against other advice. Take what's useful and discard what's not.
First, I wanted to say that your mechanics are good and so is your craft. You started with something interesting and didn't give us a lot of backstory. Good job. You also portrayed some great characterization without spelling it out for us (the fact the woman hid the miscarriage says a lot).
I agree with Ane that the miscarriage was too graphic on stage and if you knew the scene I just wrote, you wouldn't wonder if I was just squeamish. I get graphic. Something about the visual of her sitting on a toilet and feeling her unborn child "slither" out of her (be careful of word choices, this one evokes the image of her fetus as a snake.), is too much and right up front I was put off.
Second, I found several places where you could have cut words you didn't need. Ane picked up most of them. Also, I didn't get why the bird landed on a "healthy" branch. If this was a metaphor, I didn't get it and it pulled me out of the story as being odd.
You also say love and loving in the same paragraph when she's talking about her husband. Cut one.
Why not start the chapter with her closing the bathroom door, wiping her eyes and maybe picking up the phone telling the OB she had another miscarriage? They could schedule her for an ultrasound (I'm an OB nurse. This would be standard practice)and she could say something to the effect that after three losses, she knew what they would see on that black and white screen: a womb--vacated and barren once again.
The closed door could be symbolic and by the call we still know about the miscarriage without hearing it plop in the toilet, which is really what I feel I left this chapter with. I'm not sad for the woman, just a little icked out. You know what might pull at heart strings? An empty crib. An empty nursery, all painted and waiting. An empty car seat in her rearview mirror when she's driving to the doctor. That kind of thing. Maybe seeing something her husband bought the baby like a tiny baseball cap.
I'm not telling you how to write your story, just giving you some ideas which may spark better ones, just like I would for Ane or Jess.
Your writing was good though. Don't forget to add a little poetry when you can. Good job on this. It's obvious you've been working hard!
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Thursday, February 08, 2007
Gina's Take
I'm only commenting on the big picture of this story, not the individual word choices.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the miscarriage should be taken off-stage. It's what makes this scene different from every other women's fiction novel. In this case, the graphic was what drew me in. I wouldn't have been all that interested in reading on if the story opened after the fact.
I did feel this woman's pain in a much deeper way because of it. I'm wondering if I'm not reacting to it the same as Ane, Gina and Jess because I haven't had children. Perhaps it would be harder to read if you'd given birth.
I loved the imagery you used when the bird lighted on the "healthy" branch. When I read that it symbolized to me that the woman felt she was "unhealthy" and "dead".
I thought this was well-written. No grammar/spelling/structure problems to really trip me up, so it was a smooth read. I agree that I would like to know the charactor a little better before this happens to her, so I can sorrow for her. And some depth could be added- description, and as Gina said, "poetry." As for the graphic nature of the miscarriage, it's a tough call. I would take it down a notch- however, I think miscarriages are one of those things people don't really want to talk about. You know, when you're around someone who has miscarried and you feel uncomfortable, don't know what to say, etc.? I wonder (and I don't know) if women who have gone through this would appreciate having it portrayed as the ugly, painful, bloody experience it is? I really don't know. Perhaps they would.
ReplyDeleteGood comments. That's why I included the subjectiveness of writing. Some of you like the graphic depiction. It's good when we can disagree about content, but agree about good writing. :)
ReplyDeleteI have a hunch that a male reader would not go past the first page, which would be up to the author if he/she wanted to exclude the possibility of reaching that readership.
ReplyDeleteI lost my first child to miscarriage. My mother lost four between my brother and I. A relatively large percentage of women have gone through this. The author acurately depicts what happens, but it still was too much for me. Actually, I'm not sure I mean that as a reader. It was more like I kept asking myself, "What would an editor think reading this? Would she continue? What if she were eating lunch?" Which took me out of the story.
That being said, this author maintained the tone through the whole passage. I'd look to see if it was maintained through the whole book. When everything is so realistically portrayed, it's setting up the rest of the novel to be the same. Note: because of the reality, I thought the maxi pad had to be mentioned or I would have sat there going, "Uh-huh. Take a shower and you're fine??"
Overall, I think it takes great skill to capture a pain that is so indescribable, though I would like to get to know her more before she shuts down emotionally.
I agree if you keep the miscarriage as is, to also keep the pad. If you're being graphic, then be authentic. As far as the metaphor on the branch, I had the same thought CJ did but dismissed it thinking if it was symbolic of her "dead womb" then you'd have mentioned the dead branches and not just the healthy one. It's not a bad idea but here's where you can add the poetry. I'm typing fast here without putting too much thought because I have to go to work, but you will do better. Something to the effect of "As I leaned against the bathroom door, stomach cramping, head throbbing, heart aching, I caught a glimpse of cyan from the open window. It drew in my gaze and I forgot for the briefest moment my pain. A bluebird fluttered down the lenght of our stately oak, bypassing branches with dried crumbled leaves, finally perching on a healthy one. As a tear slid down my cheek I turned away.
ReplyDeleteOkay, like I said I spew that out without thought, but you get the idea how you can expand on that symbolism and make it a little more poetic then a bird landed on a healthy branch type thing. Also, use specifics, instead of a "bird", it's a pigeon, a bluebird, a redtail, whatever. Instead of a "tree", it's an oak.
Just a few more things to consider.
See how subjective this crazy business of writing is? Schizophrenic really. Thanks for the comments thus far.
I'm going to be the descenter here. Is that spelled right? Maybe it was the time of day (very early morning before breakfast) that I read this, but the scene was way more than I cared to know or read. I agree with the crit that said just saying she was heading to the bathroom was enough for me to know what was going on there. I don't need to be told she's sitting on the toilet, or later that she put on a maxi-pad. Perhaps if this were told later in the story after the reader was invested in the character it would come across better. As it were I almost lost my morning coffee LOL.
ReplyDeleteAlso, no one has mentioned that almost the entire scene is written in a "telling" mode. It would come across far better if it were done more in showing (but without the graphic descriptions LOL). Even with the graphic description I found my mind drifting and not staying with the scene because of the telling way it was done.
To the writer of this scene, please know that I mean no disrespect here for your writing. On the whole I see a lot good with your writing and once polished, this scene will emerge to become the potentially gripping scene you are wanting it to be.