Jessica's Critique

Wow, Gina and Ane didn't leave a whole for me to say. So I'll try to be short.

To the writer, here's what I perceive are your writing strengths:

--You flow in and out of IM (interior monologue) smoothly
--You use good action packed verbs

Here are my suggestions:

1.) The reader has to guess what the emotion is through the action. Writing is a balance. It's not all showing. It's not all telling. All showing is just as wearying as all telling. You show your character desperate to get a CD, but you don't tell us why, therefore it's hard for me to feel her desperation.

2.) "It felt like the finely honed instincts she had developed over the last ten years had evaporated like wet cotton candy."

Try to rid your writing of "it felt like" or "as though" and see how it reads. Here's how I would have edited this sentence to read.

"The finely honed instincts she'd developed over the last ten years evaporated like wet cotton candy."

This is most likely a style difference, but I like to know what my characters are seeing before they have a reaction to it. There was a lot of reactions to things that I didn’t understand. While it can be very strong to make your reader keep reading, if used without skill, it can frustrate the reader. I recommend allowing the reader to fall more into the story—and then use this technique.

Thank you so much for participating in the NJ critiques. Keep up the good work!